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babies!

    One of his eyes is not very symmetrically placed, so if something looks weird, that’s it. But his personality is symmetrical, and that’s all that matters! And his dick. It’s the length and girth of a two-liter bottle of Coke Zero.

Human Life Cycle
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    Now, no one likes to think about people dying. Thinking about dying makes my skin break out and my herpes flare up j/k I don’t have herpes I’m just big-boned! It’s so sad to know that literally everyone you know will die someday. FIG. 1.17 SPOILER ALERT!! Your aunt? Dead. That person you ran over with your Vespa accidentally? Dead. (I checked, he died a few days later.) The person who saw you run over that other person? Not dead, as long as he continues to be smart and keep his pretty mouth shut. But yeah, then eventually dead.
    WHO’S GONNA DIE?
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    FIG. 1.17
    Okay, in the spirit of full disclosure, I feel like I should delve more into my history with bodies. This is a part of my childhood that I’ve never really told anyone before. I found a body down by the tracks once. It was one of the scariest moments of my life. Oh God . . . I’m shaking just writing this . . .
    Here’s the other thing: it was alive. It was an alive body. It was the conductor. He was gorgeous, but not rich. That was the super scary part. Conductors don’t make a ton of money. There aren’t even tips on trains. FIG. 1.18 I knew he wouldn’t be able to buy me Prada lunch boxes, and I was really into Prada meal totes in those days. We dated for a few months, but my family didn’t approve. I finally had to dump him. We were both so upset about it, plus I dumped himwhile I was on his train, which wasn’t a great idea because I couldn’t really leave. We had to sit in silence in the conductor’s quarters while I ate my lunch out of an off-brand knockoff lunch box. FIG. 1.19 It couldn’t even keep the ceviche cold so I was crying into my lukewarm ceviche.

    FIG. 1.18

    FIG. 1.19
    What I’m trying to say is, I’ve experienced death. As mortals , humans have a set life span. While the average life expectancy greatly differs from place to place (from 82.6 years in Japan to 0.0 years in the lava of a volcano), every human is going to die. Sorry, bitches. But don’t let it sneak up on you! Here are this spring’s most glamorous ways to die!

THIS SPRING’S MOST GLAMOROUS WAYS TO DIE

    Don’t die like any old girl! It’s so embarrassing when you die in the exact same way as another girl. Go out in style in these fun, flirty ways to expire!
    10. COMA & EXTENDED VEGETATIVE STATE
    Want to lose up to one hundred pounds with no effort whatsoever? Slip into a coma! When your family finally takes you off life support, you’ll be the trimmest you’ve ever been. Better make your funeral open-casket! All the boys are going to want to see this!
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    9. SMALLPOX
    Vintage is in this spring. Every girl is going to be vying for that elusive retro virus. Before you die an excruciating death from smallpox, you get the cutest little spots all over your skin. No need to wear a sundress when you have skin this trendy—polka dots are the new stripes! Plus, smallpox fits everyone. It’s like the Traveling Pants!
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    8. CHOKE TO DEATH ON A LATTE
    This is glamorous a “latte” of times!
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    7. KILL YOURSELF AT YOUR BEST FRENEMY’S WEDDING
    Now this is a fun one! Everyone has that one girlfriend that’s a little more enemy than friend. Maybe she stole your boyfriend in college. Maybe her rib cage sticks out more than yours. Maybe she’s black and you hate black people. Wait until she’s planned her perfect wedding (and invited you, that passive-aggressive bitch!). Right as she’s about to kiss the groom (or bride, that lesbian!), run up and shoot yourself in the head in the middle of the altar. This little prank will keep your true friends in stitches. Especially if any of them were hit with shrapnel!!

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    6. CHILDBIRTH
    Ladies, you can have it all, ladies. A career,