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into one or more pairs of jeans that excite you. If you really like jeans, carry injectable Botox at all times. If you pass, say, a display of designer jeans on sale (CODE RED!), you can subtly inject your armpits behind a mannequin. No more sweats! And DEFINITELY ALWAYS CARRY A MEATBALL SUB. This way you can blame the smell on the meatball sub, and not your sweats!
    Genetics has to do with how living things inherit traits from their parents. This transmission happens through genes . Genes use DNA (short for deoxyribonucleic acid , what a mouthful! And we all know what to do with mouthfuls, right, ladies? That’s right—SWALLOW!!) to transmit traits. For example, my mom is, like, totally amazing and, through DNA, I totally inherited all the best parts of her. FIG. 1.14
    When a cell starts to replicate, the DNA strand (which is made of two strands curled around each other in a shape called a double helix ) unzips. And if that DNA strand gains weight over the winter, maybe it will never be able to rezip again! That always happens to me over the holidays! I mean, there’s cookies, eggnog, Communion wafers—how am I not going to gain weight? Body of Christ? More like Body of Carb-st ! (NOTE: I am a Jew, but I often attend Catholic Mass services to closet-eat, since none of my liberal Jew gal pals will ever catch me. Onlymy Catholic best friend, Mary Katherine, who loves 2 pray with/for me. I cannot get enough of those wafers. FIG. 1.15 GODDAMMIT! Why do you think Mary stayed a virgin? Because she was so fat from those fucking wafers! Mary, you virgin bitch!!)
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    Don’t wait for Mother’s Day to thank your mom. She might have decided she doesn’t like you by then because you’re younger and she is constantly reminded of who she never was and what she never did because of having to raise you or whatever. Mother-daughter relationships are very complicated.
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    Her smile!

    The way she loves life!

    Her new husband, Max! Boy, is he classically handsome.

    The way she’s always out of the house for a couple hours every day but Max is there!

    I love you new daddy Max ;)
    FIG. 1.14

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    FIG. 1.15
    You know how sometimes you buy a ton of stuff at Costco? Well, when your parents’ DNA mixes, it’s combined through chromosomes . Chromosomes are large bundles of DNA and genes all clumped together, like a lot of toilet paper at Costco. If your ’giner was the size of .000001 of the head of a pin, you could use a chromosome as a dildo. Sperm and eggs (you know—TADPOLES AND LILY PADS. DOTS AND DASHES IN MORSE CODE. SQUIGGLY EYEBROWS AND DIPPIN’ DOTS) only have half of the necessary chromosomes for human cells. When they do their sexy dance, they combine all the chromosomes you need. You get some from your mom and some from your dad, which is why you are a mixture of traits from your two parents. Like, for me, I get my smile from my mom and my vestigial penis from my dad. I thought it was a twin until I was like twenty-three! I’m planning on getting it removed next year. You gotta treat yourself sometimes. :) FIG. 1.16
    Your parents’ genes combining are why there are no other people exactly like you. Unless you’re an identical twin, which happens when an egg fertilized by a sperm splits into two fetuses in the womb. You might call these babies . . . wombmates! Again, I thought I had a twin until like two years ago. I always felt like she was the “by the books” one, and I was the “fun and flirty” one. We had a ton of joint birthday parties. It honestly was fairly traumatic when I found out she was a vestigial penis. Which is why she has to go. NOW .

    FIG. 1.16
    FACE MASH
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    Genes play a great role in the art of choosing a spouse to mate with. Using face-melding software, I will show photos of what my baby would look like with multiple celebrity fathers.

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    Now, here’s a mash of me and my ex, Xander. You know, just a gentle hint about how we should get back together and have a million