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I'm
limited
, though, see, by, uh, by …
    DEFENSE ATTORNEY: … by The Law?
    JUDGE: Yeah, where's my little hammer? Till I learn about this …
What
is it?
    BAILIFF: Community service.
    JUDGE: Community service.
Now
I'm like: “Uh, find a city park, and cut the grass with your teeth” … “tie your clothes into knots, and stuff ‘em down the toilet.” Uh … “shove a
tomato
up your ass,” uh …
    DEFENDANT: … how would that benefit the community?
    {Pause)
    JUDGE: You're kidding.
    DEFENDANT: N O.
(Pause)
    JUDGE: While the offender is so-engaged, is he out exposing himself to schoolchildren … ?
    DEFENDANT: N O.
    JUDGE: Then shut the fuck up.
    PROSECUTOR: Begging the Court's pardon.
    JUDGE: Fuck you, you little Suck-Ass. What do you say to that?
    PROSECUTOR: Your Honor.
(Hangs up phone)
A pressing, a
pressing
familial need, Your Honor,
forces
me to
ask
Your Honor, if we could return to the pro …
    JUDGE: And they're called
vibrators. I
oughta know.
    DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor. We have a plan to bring Peace to the Middle East.
    JUDGE: My God, Man. Why haven't you Spoke Up?
    DEFENSE ATTORNEY: We have here a method, arrived at by my client…
    JUDGE: D O you think I'm Made of Stone?
    DEFENSE ATTORNEY: The representatives of Two Great Powers.
    JUDGE: D O you think one Little Comment at the nineteenth hole
disqualifies
me from feeling for the Poor
    Jews?
    DEFENSE ATTORNEY: N O , Your Honor, no.
    JUDGE: The poor persecuted Jews and Arabs?
    PROSECUTOR: … Your …
    JUDGE: … who slog it out in heat and in
humidity
we civilized, white folk cannot
imagine
… ?
    PROSECUTOR: … Your …
    JUDGE:
Fuck
that.
Yes.
The White Race is unsuited, yes, to labor in that Equatorial Heat. God, in His mercy, assigned
this
people to
rule
and that to
work.
The Darkies, in the field, bent over, singing, swinging their hips in that rhythmic … that… that…
    BAILIFF: Your Honor …
    JUDGE: Y OU know what, I want to confess …
    BAILIFF: Your Honor, may I…
    JUDGE: Gimme my pills.
    BAILIFF: Your Honor, may I have those, please … ? (BAILIFF
takes the pills)}
    JUDGE: I want to confess.
    BAILIFF: Your Honor, the listed side effects for your prescription …
    JUDGE: Fuck that, into a cocked hat. I want to confess.
    BAILIFF: Court is adjourned …
    JUDGE: Unh
Uh
, Unh
Uh.
    BAILIFF: Your Honor …
    JUDGE: Everyone else gets to confess. You guilty, guilty scum. “The dog ate my homework.” “I had a Twinkie, that's why I shot the Pope.” What fucking bullshit. And I am forced, in the name of a “paycheck,” to, to feed my “little ones,” Lil Mickey, Lil Sue. Susie? What did I do? Susie I, I was
drunk.
That ever happen to you? One night. I swear to God one night. Two nights, at most. Susie? I didn't think that you'd
remember.
    BAILIFF: … court is adjourned …
    (The
BAILIFF
starts to lead the
JUDGE
away.)
    JUDGE: D O kids remember that far back?
    BAILIFF: Your Honor …
    JUDGE:
Do
they?
I
don't know. I'm asking. Anybody have kids?
    PROSECUTOR: I …
    JUDGE: I just can't take the burden anymore. What am I…
Switzerland}
A country with no
feelings
… ? You think that I don't have feelings? What do you think, I'm made of Curds and Whey? I'm flesh and blood, like any other man. Look, look, look, if you
cut
me, do I not bleed? Gimme that letter opener.
    BAILIFF: Short recess …
(Pause)
    PROSECUTOR: Well. It seems …
    (The
JUDGE
comes back into the courtroom, the
BAILIFF
behind him)
    BAILIFF: All rise.
    DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor, my client and I…
    JUDGE: D O you know, I once had an affair, with the Only Ugly Girl in Iceland … ?
(Pause)
Now, you say how ugly was she … ?
(Pause)
    ALL: H OW ugly was she … ?
    JUDGE: H OW ugly do you think she was?
    DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor:
(He reads from his petition.)
“How can the Unitary be Divided? How can the sundered be conjoined … ? Through fluid, dynamic stasis …
    DEFENDANT: … brought about…
    DEFENSE ATTORNEY: … through rationalization of the ligatures and,