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still
dead
, but:
    {Pause)
See how you're listening to me? I like that. When I'm not at work, I miss it.
{He starts to cry)
But what are one man's sufferings? In this shithole, we call life. Where where whole
populations …
    DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor … ?
    JUDGE: … have to boil their water.
{Slight pause)
What?
    DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor, if I may, that is the subject, which brings us before the Court.
    PROSECUTOR: Your Honor, I should like to respond.
    JUDGE: G O ahead.
    PROSECUTOR: Your Honor, if I may. We “do,” as the court put it, neither more or less than the Heterosexuals. Wth as much right. Under the Law. To Privacy, to Dignity, to …
    JUDGE: … and then you watch black and white films, right?
{Pause)
    PROSECUTOR: Your Honor …
    JUDGE: What is it offends you in the Color Process?
    DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor, the representatives of Two Great Peoples.
    PROSECUTOR: Your Honor, it is not the color process
per se;
but the decay of storytelling, generally acknowledged as concurrent with, though not occasioned by, the introduction of color.
    JUDGE: I S that so.
    DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor, Your Honor?
    JUDGE: What?
    DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor, we have an infallible plan to bring Peace to the Middle East.
    PROSECUTOR: There are
fine, fine
color films.
    BAILIFF:
Drums Along the Mohawk …
    JUDGE: I saw that film. It has a lot of Indians.
    DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Indeed it does, Your Honor.
    JUDGE: And that illustrates my point. That
people …
what was I saying … ?
    PROSECUTOR: Your Honor, I can see the Court is tired, and if I may suggest it…
    JUDGE: Shakespeare was
a Jew}
    BAILIFF:
And
a Fag …
    PROSECUTOR: Y OU ought to know … BAILIFF: Excuse me?
    PROSECUTOR: Who mentioned
Drums Along the
    Mohawk
… ?
    BAILIFF: I saw it on the airplane …
    PROSECUTOR: Where? To Fire Island … ?
    ALL:
(Gently)
Ooooh …
(Phone rings)
    BAILIFF: N O , if you must know, to Ibiza …
    PROSECUTOR:
(To phone)
Don't call me here.
    DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor …
    PROSECUTOR:
(TO
PHONE) I did
not
burn the pan. And I did
not
burn the pot roast. And I am at work.
    DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor …
    JUDGE: Abraham
Lincoln
was a Jew …
    BAILIFF: He was … ?
    DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor, the Leaders of Two Middle Eastern …
    JUDGE: Don't interrupt me, boyo. Do you know what I can
do} I
didn't know what I could do, until they stuck me here … what do
I
know… ? “Danny: How'd you like to be a Judge?” “Sure. What's it entail… ?” Sitting up here, reading
National Geographic.
I get
bored}
“Go to jail.” You think I'm kidding … ?
    DEFENDANT: N O.
    JUDGE: N O , what?
    DEFENDANT: N O , Your Honor.
    JUDGE: I said, “I can send ‘em to Jail… ?” “You bet your ass.” “Mickey,” I said, “for
what}”
“Anything, Dan. Anything, or nothing.” First time did it feel funny?
Sure.
Like anything. You get used to it. Like sex. You get married. “I can get it anytime.” Weeks pass, you
realize:
There have to be
rules.
A pattern, perhaps, give-and-take. Sometimes she's tired … the things, what are they called … ?
    PROSECUTOR: “Precedents”?
(Phone rings)
    JUDGE:
Vibrators.
They aren't called
precedents.
Huh? Are you
fucking
with me?
    DEFENDANT: … Your …
    JUDGE: What would a “precedent” be doing in your bedside table?
{Pause)
    DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor …
    JUDGE:
Is
there a limit on my power? Pal? You don't want to know.
    PROSECUTOR: Your Honor, I have a family situation …
    JUDGE: First time I have a mother and her kid. Dad didn't want to pay child support. The mother starts to cry. A more experienced man would have imposed some, some, what are they called … ?
    BAILIFF: Judicial penally.
    JUDGE: Hey,
you
should be doing this job. On the
guy.
I sent the
kid
to jail.
    PROSECUTOR: For
what:
    JUDGE: I don't need a
reason;
all's I need's, this little
hammer
here … N'I'm gone use it till the
batteries
run out. (JUDGE
looks around)
Where is it? All day I'm thinking: What can I do next?