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into your world:
    [SLIDE: ORIGINAL COVER OF NOVEL
MIDNIGHT ROBBER
ACCURATELY DEPICTING THE PROTAGONIST, WHO IS A BROWN-SKINNED LITTLE GIRL WITH BLACK AFRICAN FEATURES]
    When one of the cultures of your world reconfigured it, this was the result:
    [SLIDE: COVER OF ITALIAN TRANSLATION OF
MIDNIGHT ROBBER (II FIANETA DI MEZZANOTTE)
SHOWING PROTAGONIST AS A BLUE-SKINNED YOUNG WOMAN WITH EUROPEAN FEATURES AND STRAIGHT HAIR, WEARING A BRA TOP AND FRINGED MINISKIRT]
    As far as our translators can tell, the title of this version can be rendered as
The Planet of Midnight,
which, according to your understanding, seems to be where the blue people live. We have noticed a preponderance of wistful references in your literature to magical people with blue skin.
    [SLIDES: NIGHTCRAWLER; MYSTIQUE; THE BEAST (ALL FROM THE X-MEN); KALI; KRISHNA; DR. MANHATTAN; PAPA SMURF; SMURFETTE; THE COOKIE MONSTER; ETC. BUT NONE OF THE BEINGS FROM AVATAR, CUZ I’M ORNERY THAT WAY AND DON’T WANT TO INVOKE THAT PARTICULAR FARCE IN THIS SPACE TODAY. BESIDES, THE CONNECTION SHOULD BE SELF-EVIDENT]
    Since none of the images of real people from your world show such blue-skinned beings, we can only theorise about what these images symbolise or eulogise. Perhaps a race of yours that has gone extinct, or that has self-destructed. Perhaps it is a race that has gone into voluntary seclusion, maybe as an attempt at self-protection. The more pessimistic among us fear that this is a race being kept in isolation, for what horrendous planet-wide crime we shudder to imagine; or that it is a race of earlier sentient beings that you have exterminated. Whatever the truth of the matter, we’re sure you realise why it is of extreme importance to us to learn whether imprisonment, extinction, and mythologizing are your only methods of dealing with interspecies conflict.
    Here are some of the other communications with which we’re having trouble:
    You say: “I’m not racist.”
    Primary translation: “I can wade through feces without getting any of it on me.”
    Secondary translation: “My shit don’t stink.”
    Our dilemma: To us, someone making this kind of delusional claim is in immediate need of the same healing treatments we offer to people who are convinced that they can fly. Such people are a danger to themselves andto others. And yet, the communications from your world are replete with this type of statement from people who do not seem to be under treatment of any kind, and few among you take any steps to limit the harm they do. We are forced to conclude that you must be as laissez-faire in your response to people who think they can fly. This can’t possibly be true, can it? Few of us are willing to visit a planet where we would clearly have to dodge plummeting bodies with every step. [FLINCH, LOOK UPWARDS]
    You say: “This story is a universal one.”
    Translation: “This story is very specifically about us, and after all, we’re the only ones who matter.”
    Our attempts at translating this one caused quite an argument in our ranks. Several feuds have started as a result, and one or two of them have gotten quite ugly. Because why would any sentient race say something that means its exact opposite? Well, one of our number did point out that we ourselves do occasionally display this regrettable habit. But that’s an us thing; you wouldn’t understand.
    You say: “That thing that you made doesn’t belong to you. It’s universal.”
    Now, this one is complicated. To make any sense of it at all, we had to proceed from statements of the previous type, in which “universal” means, approximately, “we own it.”
    Therefore, our attempt at a primary translation is this: “I like that thing you made, so I’m going to claim it’s mine. And I’m bigger than you, and nobody who counts reallylikes you anyway, so you can’t stop me.”
    Secondary translation, for brevity: “I think yours is prettier, so I’m just going to help myself to it.”
    You say: