Read Rebuilding Forever for Free Online

hands across his stomach. Good. Maybe he'd fall asleep and leave Seth alone for most of the flight.
    But it wasn't to be. As soon as they were in the air, Julian leaned close to him.
    "So what's going on?"
    Seth gave him a pointed look. He wasn't talking about anything in this public a place.
    "There's no one for two rows in front or back of us. The sweetheart across the aisle can't hear over the engines." His steely eyes bore into Seth. "Now tell me why you're acting like you've been buggered by a fire poker."
    "I'm not." He shoved the mag back in the pocket, fully aware he sounded like a child.
    "You using again?"
    Seth jerked, then bit down on his desire to shout a denial. It was a reasonable question. "No." He flopped back against the seat.
    "You want to be using?"
    That was an even better question, and one Seth made himself consider carefully. "No," he finally said again, and the tension in him eased slightly. "Surprisingly, I'm not even thinking about it. Haven't even wanted a fag in ages."
    "So?"
    He rubbed his hand over his face and leaned his head back. "I don't know."
    "Is it Cassie?"
    "Partly."
    "What's going on? Do you want me to talk to her?"
    It wasn't an idle offer. Probably by virtue of their mutual caregiving roles with the old Seth, they had a bond most best mates and wives wouldn't have developed. Jules cared about Cassie, and vice versa, and they knew each other well. And respected each other.
    "Thanks, but it's not necessary. She's not doing anything. It's just...everything."
    Jules shook his head. "I thought everything was going pretty well. The album, the publicity, the fans--and you're getting married in a few days."
    Cold and heat warred in Seth's middle. Thanks to rehab, he'd grown unafraid of analyzing his feelings. Mostly. He knew the cold was fear, the warmth hope. It didn't take a shrink to figure out that he was afraid the wedding wouldn't happen.
    "Cassie's not into the life like she was last time," he said. "All the crap is getting to her."
    "Yeah, you said. So?" Jules shifted and tried to stretch his legs out further. "Every relationship has its bugs. You deal with it best you can."
    "Sometimes by leaving it."
    Julian snorted. "You think Cassie's going to leave you over a few paparazzi and a news story?"
    It sounded ridiculous when he said it. "I guess not."
    "Then what are you afraid of?"
    "I'm afraid--" He swallowed. Just saying those two words made the emotion stronger. "I'm afraid the crap will pile up high enough to overwhelm her tolerance. And she'll bail."
    "Aw, Seth?" Julian shook his head against the head rest. "You're a mess, mate. She's told you how many times that it won't happen."
    "Saying and doing are two different things."
    "You're mental."
    "She swore once to stay with me through anything. And then she left." That night flashed through his brain. Cassie's face, streaked with tears and makeup, but hard with determination. His despair, the only thing that cut through the haze of the rest of his memories. He'd never been as messed up, before or since, as he'd gotten that night.
    "Fuck, Seth, you're going to put yourself in the loony-bin, you keep thinking like that. It was fifteen years ago. Forget it. Concentrate on now."
    He was trying.

    * * * *
    After a frightfully expensive call to Cassie on the plane's in-seat phone, Seth settled enough to sleep. She'd been calm, telling him everything was under control and all they'd have to do once they arrived was lounge on the beach and drink non-alcoholic Volcanoes. He dozed to the hum of the jet engines, at first hyperaware of movement and sounds around him, then dropping deeper.
    First he dreamed about soft sand, salty breezes, and Cassie, naked with him on the private beach where they would be honeymooning.
    Then he was back in London, arguing with Pete about the order of the tracks on the new album.
    On stage, belting out "Lost Our Forever" with fucking tears streaming down his cheeks, matching ones on Cassie's as the audience