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faded away and all he could see was her.
    Back stage, in a rank, dark room. Collapsing onto a springy sofa that already had a body on it. Begging for something.
    Begging for Julian.
    "I'm here, mate."
    "I need it, Juli." His dick grew hard with his desperation. Somewhere he knew this was wrong, that he couldn't kill the pain with sex, not even this kind of sex. But he couldn't stand feeling this way. He needed the escape.
    "Are you sure?" Julian crowded close to him, his heat and scent familiar. Comforting.
    "Yes."
    Julian's hand went unerringly to Seth's dick under the leather, even in the dark. He didn't move it for a moment, just let it lie there, let Seth change his mind if he wanted to. But Seth lifted his hips, pressed his friend's hand down against him, and moaned.
    "All right, mate. If you're sure." Julian undid Seth's pants with deft fingers. Seth parted his legs so Julian could kneel between them and let his mind fog out--more than it already was--so that all he thought about, all he concentrated on, was the throbbing of his dick and the warmth of Julian's hand, stroking him.
    "Jesus." It had never been this good. He dug his hands into the cushions and pumped his hips. Julian knew just the right amount of pressure, gripped him harder than any woman ever had, even Cassie, but not hard enough to hurt.
    Except, Seth wanted it to hurt. He wanted physical pain to erase the memories thinking of Cassie had brought back. He reached down and put his hand on the back of Julian's head.
    He didn't stop pumping Seth, but resisted the pressure of his hand. "You gotta be sure, mate. If I do this, it can't be undone."
    "I told you, I'm sure. You're--" Fuck, he was going to sound like a pansy. But he had to say it. "You're my best mate. No one knows me like you do. No one...loves me like you do."
    And as he always had, Jules understood. Seth didn't need to say any more. When Julian's hot mouth wrapped around him, he shuddered. His tongue and lips and the cavern of his mouth were bigger than Seth was used to, the suction stronger, and immediately he started to come. He gritted his teeth and let it pour over him, burst out of him, as his entire body jerked, then again, and again. His cock burned, his scrotum so tight it felt like it would never relax.
    When it was over he curled up into a ball on the rank couch cushions and sobbed like a baby.
    And Julian stayed with him.

    * * * *
    Seth woke slowly this time, awareness of his location and companion seeping in instead of slamming into him.
    It didn't help.
    He squinted against the glare of sun on clouds out the window. Julian, still reading, one leg stretched into the aisle, looked up at him.
    "Jesus fucking Christ." Seth rubbed his hands over his face, hard, trying to shake the dream. He couldn't look at Jules.
    "Nightmare?"
    "You could say that. Excuse me." Seth squeezed past him, making sure to face away. He couldn't handle putting Julian's mouth at crotch level. He headed for the loo at the back of the plane, unable to smile at the few people who looked up and recognized him.
    Edward stopped him just before he reached the loo.
    "Is there something I can get for you, sir?"
    He looked concerned. Seth realized he was sweating and probably wild-eyed. Dammit, they'd be starting rumors that he was using again.
    "No, thank you, I'm just needing the men's room."
    "Very good, sir." He didn't sound convinced, but he did back away so Seth could get inside.
    He splashed water on his face, icy water that eased his panic slightly. He had a fleeting desire for a hit and banished it immediately. This wasn't about drugs. He very much did not want the lack of control they brought. He didn't need that right now.
    What he needed was Cassie.
    But he was a good two hours out of St. Thomas still, he realized when he checked his watch. He couldn't go sit next to Julian and pretend nothing had happened. And he couldn't stay in here forever.
    Someone knocked on the door. He dried his face and hands, shoved