Read Punching Tom Hanks: Dropkicking Gorillas and Pummeling Zombified Ex-Presidents---A Guide to Beating Up Anything for Free Online
Authors: Kevin Seccia
Catch up to him, then begin battering him in the calf and thigh region. He will be OUTRAGED. Some of the crowd who’d previously been on your side, will have their allegiance tested. They may yell: “What the hell are you doing?!? He’s trying to help!” Immediately stop punching the man.
If he kicks at you, climb down the tree until you are out of his range. Assure everyone, including the man, that you don’t know what came over you, and that you’re done punching his thigh. Make eye contact. If you can hold your hands out with palms up in a conciliatory manner, without falling out of the tree, do so now.
As soon as he looks back toward the kitten, move up and begin punching him in the calf and thigh again. Make these punches count, while maintaining your balance on the tree. If you fall at this point, the angry mob (formerly known as the crowd) will definitely maul you to death. If some of them are feeling heroic and begin climbing up behind you, kick at the tops of their heads while continuing to fight the man.
Grab the man by a single lapel and pull him toward the ground, over your head. With a quick motion use gravity to hurl him to the ground. Again, using gravity, leap from the tree, aiming for the man’s ample stomach. Land on the man’s stomach with both feet. He will emit a sound like a popped balloon in a cartoon, flying around the yard. He might say, “ Yowee! ” His stomach will collapse and then expand rapidly, like a cushion, propelling you high into the air and over the nearby fence, to safety. Run away.
When you meet up back at your hideout give the kitten an extra portion of food and an extra head scratch. You both did your jobs today, and no one got hurt except that one guy and some other people.
THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER, EVER BEAT UP *
1. Something sleeping. This should go without saying. Think of sleep as nature’s time-out. However, AS SOON as that sleep begins to dissipate, it’s cool to strike with the fury of a screaming god. If you see an eyelid flicker—or even the mouth open and close in that automatic, sleepy/satisfied way—it’s absolutely fair for you to start punching the face that that mouth and eyes are located on.
2. Orphans. God has already punched them harder than you ever could. Leave them be. Let them ripen a bit, like fruit on your counter. In a few years, when they age into bitter, angry adults you’ll get your chance to wallop them.
3. Anyone involved in the making of the motion picture The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. I’m guessing there aren’t many of them left, but it’s the least you can do for the people who brought you one of the greatest movies of all-time.
4. Unicorns. Even if these creatures were discovered tomorrow and immediately started acting up, rooting through your garbage, eating your rose garden, etc., it’d be a while before the backlash started and people were comfortable with you hitting one in the snout. Any attempt to attack a unicorn would most likely result in a mob of softhearted people chasing you down and stoning you to death. Just leave them alone.
* Unless they “look at you weird” or root for another sports-jock-running team than the one you choose to cheer.
HOW TO BEAT UP A GUY HOLDING A SLICE OF PIZZA
Approach the man holding the slice of pizza. (These instructions are for a man holding a slice of pizza in his right hand. For those targeting left-handed pizza lovers, I’m sorry, there’s no data available at this time.) Look the man in the eye and firmly say, “Stop! That slice of pizza has been poisoned! Do not continue eating that delicious, yet poison-filled slice of pizza!”
He’s not going to believe you. Keep going, and say, “I’m warning you for the last time. It. Is. Poison! I don’t care if you’ve witnessed an entire unbroken chain of events beginning with the pie’s creation last night, ending with you holding the slice before me right this second, which convinces you of its so-called purity. They
If he kicks at you, climb down the tree until you are out of his range. Assure everyone, including the man, that you don’t know what came over you, and that you’re done punching his thigh. Make eye contact. If you can hold your hands out with palms up in a conciliatory manner, without falling out of the tree, do so now.
As soon as he looks back toward the kitten, move up and begin punching him in the calf and thigh again. Make these punches count, while maintaining your balance on the tree. If you fall at this point, the angry mob (formerly known as the crowd) will definitely maul you to death. If some of them are feeling heroic and begin climbing up behind you, kick at the tops of their heads while continuing to fight the man.
Grab the man by a single lapel and pull him toward the ground, over your head. With a quick motion use gravity to hurl him to the ground. Again, using gravity, leap from the tree, aiming for the man’s ample stomach. Land on the man’s stomach with both feet. He will emit a sound like a popped balloon in a cartoon, flying around the yard. He might say, “ Yowee! ” His stomach will collapse and then expand rapidly, like a cushion, propelling you high into the air and over the nearby fence, to safety. Run away.
When you meet up back at your hideout give the kitten an extra portion of food and an extra head scratch. You both did your jobs today, and no one got hurt except that one guy and some other people.
THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER, EVER BEAT UP *
1. Something sleeping. This should go without saying. Think of sleep as nature’s time-out. However, AS SOON as that sleep begins to dissipate, it’s cool to strike with the fury of a screaming god. If you see an eyelid flicker—or even the mouth open and close in that automatic, sleepy/satisfied way—it’s absolutely fair for you to start punching the face that that mouth and eyes are located on.
2. Orphans. God has already punched them harder than you ever could. Leave them be. Let them ripen a bit, like fruit on your counter. In a few years, when they age into bitter, angry adults you’ll get your chance to wallop them.
3. Anyone involved in the making of the motion picture The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. I’m guessing there aren’t many of them left, but it’s the least you can do for the people who brought you one of the greatest movies of all-time.
4. Unicorns. Even if these creatures were discovered tomorrow and immediately started acting up, rooting through your garbage, eating your rose garden, etc., it’d be a while before the backlash started and people were comfortable with you hitting one in the snout. Any attempt to attack a unicorn would most likely result in a mob of softhearted people chasing you down and stoning you to death. Just leave them alone.
* Unless they “look at you weird” or root for another sports-jock-running team than the one you choose to cheer.
HOW TO BEAT UP A GUY HOLDING A SLICE OF PIZZA
Approach the man holding the slice of pizza. (These instructions are for a man holding a slice of pizza in his right hand. For those targeting left-handed pizza lovers, I’m sorry, there’s no data available at this time.) Look the man in the eye and firmly say, “Stop! That slice of pizza has been poisoned! Do not continue eating that delicious, yet poison-filled slice of pizza!”
He’s not going to believe you. Keep going, and say, “I’m warning you for the last time. It. Is. Poison! I don’t care if you’ve witnessed an entire unbroken chain of events beginning with the pie’s creation last night, ending with you holding the slice before me right this second, which convinces you of its so-called purity. They
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