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worry. Facebook messages turned into hours of phone conversations with my aunt and father, all of which were positive. My aunt invited me to visit her and her daughters in Texas. My father lived in Waco, a town outside Dallas, and since I would be in the immediate area already, I knew I wanted to include meeting him in this trip. It was a hundred percent my decision and my plan. I packed for a few days, minus the single precaution I received from my mom—hold no expectations. I thought I knew better than to trust her words of wisdom.
    Granted, it was my Aunt Beth who had originally reached out to me and invited me to visit, but I wanted to believe my father was just as enthusiastic and if she hadn’t invited me first, he would have eventually. Plus, after waiting so long, what harm could meeting him do? I didn’t believe there was any way he could damage me any more than I had already been damaged. I thought my mother was just being negative, so I left her advice in Pennsylvania where I felt it belonged, and boarded a plane to Dallas, Texas. I was finally going to meet my father—Raymond.
    We were in the thick of filming for 16 and Pregnant and MTV wanted to capture this momentous moment in my life, so I agreed to let the cameras come along. It was actually very reassuring to have the MTV crew with me because it felt like they were a protective backup team, ready to swat my dad away if things went awry. Sifting through the crowd at the airport, I had an image in my head of a strong, tall man who would appear nervous and uneasy but still confident and strong. Instead, the man who greeted me had a mullet, missing teeth, and was at least a foot shorter than I thought he would be. Only the Texan twang proved to be intact.
    Daddy. Dad. The old man. My father.
    I wasn’t expecting my dad to be sporting a cape and saving the world during his free time, but I had thought he’d seem a little more put together. Nothing about the man I was meeting now seemed consistent with what he had told me about himself. Really, he seemed to me like a mess of contradictions. Supposedly, he held two associate’s degrees, yet I don’t know if he had a job. He used to be a marine and a bull rider, but he was absolutely out of shape with no trace of his former military self. It seemed to me that he had let himself go to the point of no return. I was supposed to be proud to call this man, Dad?
    He had told me he lived in a cozy two bedroom house, but the home he brought me to turned out to be a little shack. When he had described the quaintness of his place, I had pictured a cozy, little ranch. I was disappointed because I had expected to see my dad living comfortably. It felt like he was just coasting by, not living to the fullest. It seemed like he didn’t care to make himself or any part of his life better. He was just settling.
    I went to sleep that night, hoping that I would see things in a more positive light in the morning. Unfortunately, things went downhill from there. The next morning’s Dunkin Donuts run should have been a decently cheap breakfast that he could treat me to, but when my dad asked me to borrow a twenty, I realized I was buying. Bumming money off of me, his pregnant teenage daughter, was the last straw in the haystack for me. Sure, he paid me back but it was yet another reminder that he was not the man I thought he would be.
    My father seemed to live completely in the past. His spirit was a ghost, while the shell in front of me recounted war stories galore. I appreciate his service to our country, but the way he lost himself in his stories made me feel like any ear would have done. The conversation continued its slow downward spiral as he began commenting on my pregnancy. He was adamant that if he had been around, I wouldn’t be pregnant. I understood his sentiment toward my circumstances, but I felt he had no right to judge. Raymond hadn’t been around for my childhood. He wasn’t there for me as I messed up my