Plum Pie

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Book: Read Plum Pie for Free Online
Authors: P. G. Wodehouse
embrace, Trixie, and make it good."
    She made it good, and I felt like a Swiss mountaineer engulfed by an avalanche smelling of patchouli. Jas Waterbury flung wide the gates, and who should come in but Blair Eggleton, the last caller I was expecting.
    He stood goggling. I sat goggling. Jas Waterbury goggled too. One could understand how he was feeling. Anticipating the entrance of the female star and observing coming on left centre a character who wasn't a member of the cast at all, he was pardonably disconcerted. No impresario likes that sort of thing.
    I was the first to speak. After all, I was the host and it was for me to get the conversation going.
    "Oh, hullo, Eggleston," I said. "Come along in. I don't think you've met Mr. Waterbury, have you. Mr. Eggleston, Mr. Jas Waterbury. And his niece Miss Trixie Waterbury, my fiancée."
    "Your what?"
    "Fiancée. Betrothed. Affianced."
    "Good Lord!"
    Jas Waterbury appeared to be feeling that as the act had been shot to pieces like this, there was no sense in hanging around.
    "Well, Trix," he said, "your Bertie'll be wanting to talk to his gentleman friend, so give him a kiss and we'll be getting along. Pleased to have met you, Mr. What-is-it," and with a greasy smile he led the Fairy Queen from the room.
    Blair Eggleston seemed still at a loss. He looked at the door through which they had passed as if asking himself if he had really seen what he thought he had seen, then turned to me with the air of one who intends to demand an explanation.
    "What's all this, Wooster?"
    "What's all what, Eggleston? Be more explicit."
    "Who on earth is that female?"
    "Weren't you listening? My fiancée."
    "You're really engaged to her?"
    "That's right."
    "Who is she?"
    "She plays Fairy Queens in pantomime. Not in London owing to jealousy in high places, but they think a lot of her in Leeds, Wigan, Hull and Huddersfield. The critic of the Hull Daily News describes her as a talented bit of all right."
    He was silent for a space, appearing to be turning this over in his mind. Then he spoke in the frank, forthright and fearless way these modern novelists have.
    "She looks like a hippopotamus."
    I conceded this.
    "There is a resemblance, perhaps. I suppose Fairy Queens have to be stoutish if they are to keep faith with their public in towns like Leeds and Huddersfield. Those audiences up North want lots for their money."
    "And she exudes a horrible scent which I am unable at the moment to identify."
    "Patchouli. Yes, I noticed that."
    He mused again.
    "I can't get over you being engaged to her."
    "Well, I am."
    "It's official?"
    "Absolutely."
    "Well, this will be great news for Honoria."
    I didn't get his drift.
    "For Honoria?"
    "Yes. It will relieve her mind. She was very worried about you, poor child. That's why I'm here. I came to break it to you that she, can never be yours. She's going to marry me."
    I stared at him. My first impression was that even though the hour was only about four-thirty he was under the influence of alcoholic stimulants.
    "But I learned from a usually reliable source that that was all off."
    "It was, but now it's on again. We have had a complete reconciliation."
    "Well, fancy that!"
    "And she shrank from coming and telling you herself. She said she couldn't bear to see the awful dumb agony in your eyes. When I tell her you're engaged, she'll go singing about the West End of London, not only because of the relief of knowing that she hasn't wrecked your life but because she'll be feeling what a merciful escape she's had. Just imagine being married to you! It doesn't bear thinking of. Well, I'll be going along and telling her the good news," he said, and took his departure.
    A moment later the bell rang. I opened the door and found him on the mat.
    "What," he asked, "was that name again?"
    "Name?"
    "Your fiancée’s."
    "Trixie Waterbury."
    "Good God! " he said, and pushed off. And I returned to the reverie he had interrupted.
     
    There was a time when if somebody had come to

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