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Brighton for the honeymoon. She's always been fond of Brighton."
    I was at something of a loss to know what on earth he was talking about, but reading between the lines I gathered that the Fairy Queen was thinking of getting married. I asked if this was so, and he chuckled greasily.
    "Always kidding, Bertie. You will have your joke. If you don't know she's going to get married, who does?"
    "I haven't a notion. Who to?"
    "Why, you, of course. Didn't you introduce her to your gentleman friend as your fiancée?"
    I lost no time in putting him straight. "But that was just a ruse. Surely you explained it to her?"
    "Explained what?"
    "That I just wanted her to pretend that we were engaged."
    "What an extraordinary idea. What would I have done that for?"
    "Fifteen quid."
    "I don't remember any fifteen quid. As I recall it, you came to me and told me you'd seen Trixie as the Fairy Queen in Cinderella at the Wigan Hippodrome and fallen in love with her at first sight, as so many young fellows have done. You had found out somehow that she was my niece and you asked me to bring her to your address. And the moment we came in I could see the love light in your eyes, and the love light was in her eyes, too, and it wasn't five minutes after that that you'd got her on your lap and there you were, as snug as two bugs in a rug. Just a case of love at first sight, and I don't mind telling you it touched me. I like to see the young folks getting together in Springtime. Not that it's Springtime now, but the principle's the same."
    At this point Aunt Dahlia, who had been simmering gently, intervened to call me a derogatory name and ask what the hell was going on. I waved her down with an imperious hand. I needed every ounce of concentration to cope with this misunderstanding which seemed to have arisen.
    "You're talking through your hat, Jas Waterbury."
    "Who, me?"
    "Yes, you. You've got your facts all wrong."
    "You think so, do you?"
    "I do, and I will trouble you to break it to Miss Waterbury that those wedding bells will not ring out."
    "That's what I was telling you. Trixie wants it to be at the registrar's."
    "Well, that registrar won't ring out, either."
    He said I amazed him.”
    “You don’t want to marry Trixie?”
    I wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole."
    An astonished 'Lord love a duck' came over the wire.
    "If that isn't the most remarkable coincidence," he said. "Those were the very words Mr. Prosser used when refusing to marry another niece of mine after announcing his betrothal before witnesses, same as you did. Shows what a small world it is. I asked him if he hadn't ever heard of breach of promise cases, and he shook visibly and swallowed once or twice. Then he looked me in the eye and said 'How much?' I didn't get his meaning at first, and then it suddenly flashed on me. 'Oh, you mean you want to break the engagement,' I said, 'and feel it's your duty as a gentleman to see that the poor girl gets her bit of heart balm,' I said. 'Well, it'll have to be something substantial,' I said, 'because there's her despair and desolation to be taken into account'. So we talked it over and eventually settled on two thousand quid, and that's what I'd advise in your case. I think I can talk Trixie into accepting that. Nothing, mind you, can ever make life anything but a dreary desert for her after losing you, but two thousand quid would help."
    " BERTIE !" said Aunt Dahlia.
    "Ah," said Jas Waterbury, "there's that lion again. Well, I'll leave you to think it over. I'll come and see you tomorrow and get your decision, and if you feel that you don't like writing that cheque, I'll ask a friend of mine to try what he can do to persuade you. He's an all-in wrestler of the name of Porky Jupp. I used to manage him at one time. He's retired now because he broke a fellow's spine and for some reason that gave him a distaste for the game. But he's still in wonderful condition. You ought to see him crack Brazil nuts with his fingers. He thinks the