Read Only Forever for Free Online

Emma’s version of my crazy friend Mazie. But Ryan moves to her side, hooks her under his arm—which makes her blush and smack his chest—and laughs. “It’ll be okay, Sarah.”
    “No cute stuff, Ryan. I’m immune to you.” She ducks away, leaving us to watch her, but then she looks over her shoulder. “I need to call Cherry and tell her everything is okay.”
    Glad I’m not the one calling Cherry, I nod. Ryan waves. She’s left us with our hands in our pockets, standing awkwardly.
    “Immune, huh?” I joke, trying to alleviate the uncomfortable tension.
    Ryan chuckles. “I wouldn’t say one hundred percent.”
    I glance around, not sure what else to say. He shifts in his boots and clears his throat. We could stand on opposite sides of the room and waste time on our phones or something. But we’re stuck. Shit. Honestly, I miss the guy. If I’d ever had a brother, it would’ve been him.
    There’s a tightness in my chest because I’ll never say those words, but losing him as my brother has been a heavy burden. There’s been too much loss in my life. I lost my team, lost my time with the woman I love, and lost the early years with my baby girl. And all because I couldn’t open my damn mouth.
    The muscles in the back of my head strain, locking up my neck and shoulders. My palms tingle and sweat. I’m slowly being sucked back into the darkness of all I’ve abandoned, everyone I’ve hurt. My throat aches and burns. I want to swallow. I need to take a breath. But I will not lose my shit in the middle of a fuckin’ strip club.
    Mind over matter.
    Gray spots blur my peripheral vision, and my chest feels pinched.
    Once upon a time, Ryan was my brother. I have fucked up life to the point where I can’t fix it. Shit. I pull a breath through my teeth. Fuck me. Fuck me. Goddamn. This will not happen now.
    I pinch my eyes closed as my heartbeat slams in my chest so loudly the whole damn establishment must think there’s a mortar attack. I push myself to pivot away from Ryan and squeeze my eyes tighter than before.
    Mortar attack… the blasts, the blood—morbid memories floor my senses. It’s all I can concentrate on. I picture Maddox’s face as he reached for me—as if I could save his life. Goddamn it.
    My fists ball in my pockets until I think my hands will crush themselves.
    A hand claps hard on my back. I’m in a complete spiral, falling apart within eyeshot of those I am desperate to impress. I stagger away in the same direction Sarah went. I can’t clear my head enough to look for an exit, but I need to escape. My steps wobble—I know they do. I can’t stop that. But I growl forward, focusing on my breaths and footsteps, trying to survive this moment.
    That hand claps my back again, even though I’m moving. At least, I think I am. Shit. This is so bad. But I have complete tunnel vision and can only follow Sarah’s way out.
    A weight leans against me—no, I lean against it. Somehow, I move with purpose toward the back hall, away from Emma, away from Titan and Delta. They don’t need to see this. My head hangs low. I’m panicked and ashamed, but when I look up—it’s Ryan.
    I seal my eyes shut. My breaths heave through my clenched teeth.
    “Open your eyes, man.”
    Anguish and anger torment me—I can hear the explosions ripping my team to bloody pieces—and I can’t get away from my own mind. I can’t stop thinking about everything I’ve screwed up.
    “I’ve got you, brother.” The words are quiet. But God , they are strong.
    His hands are on my shoulders. My mind desperately wants to stop living in the past. My knuckles ache, and the pain centers me and tears me away from their last breaths… I’ve got you, brother . My heart slowly slides from my throat, and I take what feels like the first breath I’ve had in days. Then I take another, and I open my eyes.
    Ryan drops his hands and backs away a few steps. We’re alone. I fill my lungs completely and drop my head back. “Fuck