Read On My Own for Free Online Page A

grabbed her jacket. “I should've known you're too goody-goody to help me.”
    I bit my lip, controlling myself from saying something I knew I'd regret. But even as I did, I recalled her little speeches about how we're supposed to act like grown-ups and how we're not expected to help each other out at all. But by now, I realized Liz had her own set of rules, and they can change according to her needs. I can't imagine how it would feel to live that way. I mean, I'll admit that I haven't exactly been a happy camper lately, but I'd much rather be in my shoes than hers.
    As a result of our little “disagreement,” she's been giving me the silent treatment and staying out late every night. And even though I know it's wrong, I keep secretly hoping that she and Jordan will eventually work out some way to move in together. (GOD, FORGIVE ME!) I can't help but think how it would be so much easier and oh so muchmore peaceful to live in this room by myself. And then because I feel guilty about hoping for something that I know isn't in Liz's best interest, I find myself praying for her even more (like I think that makes up for it!).
    DEAR GOD, PLEASE DO A MIACLE IN LIZ'S HEART. PLEASE, HELP HR TO SEE HOW MUCH SHE NEEDS YOU. SHOW HER HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HER AND HOW YOU REALLY HAVE A MUCH BETTER PLAN FOR HER LIFE. PLEASE HELP ME TO BE A BETTER LIGHT FOR YOU. I CONFESS I'M SELFISH AND SELF-CENTERED AND NOT REALLY LOVING HER THE WAY I SHOULD. I NEED YOUR HELP! AMEN.
Saturday, October 5 (bummed out)
    I have a feeling that I'm depressed. And I'm not sure what to do about it. I'm not even sure if that's what it really is. But it's as if this thick, black cloud is hanging over me. Although I get occasional glimpses of sunshine, it's mostly just gloomy, murky darkness pressing in all around me. Oh sure, I get up in the morning and go to my classes. I come home and do my homework. But that's about it. It's like I'm disengaged or something.
    Not only that, but I'm really, really homesick. Not just for my family (although that's a huge part of it) but also for my old friends and high school, even for my old bedroom. I just want the good old life I used to live back before I got my stupid “independence.” And, believe me,admitting this makes me feel like a great big crybaby, but it's as if I need to say it and just get it out into the open, even if it's only in my diary.
    I can't even talk to anyone about how I feel because I'm sure they'd all just laugh at me or think I'm nuts. I pray about this whole thing, and even though it seems to help (at least for a while), these unhappy feelings keep coming back.
    It's like I'm not even me anymore. What happened to that Caitlin O'Conner who was always on the go, always thinking she could do anything, go anywhere, ready to change the world? I just don't get it. Oh, I suppose I could pretend to be like the old me, especially if, say, my old friends happened to stop by unexpectedly (like that'll ever happen!). But I'm not even sure I could pull that off. It's as if something in me is broken and I don't know how to fix it.
    I even went on-line and looked up the symptoms for depression, and while I don't have all of them, I do have some. I feel tired and apathetic. I don't have much appetite and it's hard to get up in the morning. I feel like I'm not interested in much of anything. I know I don't like the way I feel, but I'm just not sure what to do about it or even if I can do anything. But here's what scares me the most–I'm starting to remind myself of Liz!
    DEAR GOD, PLEASE HELP ME. I THINK SOMETHING'S WRONG, BUT I DON'T EVEN KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IT IS. PLEASE GIVE ME SOMEONE TO TALK TO,SOMEONE WHO'LL UNDERSTAND AND KNOW HOW TO HELP. I KNOW YOU'RE HERE WITH ME AND THAT YOU LOVE ME, BUT I FEEL SO ALONE RIGHT NOW. PLEASE, HELP. AMEN.
Sunday, October 6
    Somehow I dragged myself out of bed this morning. (When all I really wanted to do was to sleep in and forget about everything–especially my miserable little