zeroâand the block fell apart as if opened by a spell. He brought the axe away, looking with self-satisfaction and casual ferocity at the boy. âWhy do pigs sleep in trees?â he said.
Her brother was more like their mad uncle Ira than he knew, sheâd mused. It was not a thing she planned to mention to him. Heâd be flattered and maybe turn still meaner.
âBoy, go inside where itâs wahm,â James said, pointing with the axe.
âI ainât cold,â Dickey said. He continued dancing, steam all around him, his mittened hands tucked inside his armpits.
âThe hell you ainât, boy,â the old man snapped, chaining him there by the pride in his voice. She had turned from the window, disgusted.
To will one thing.
She looked back at her novelâor rather, began to pay attention again, since while her mind had wandered her eyes had gone on reading, dutifully moving from word to word like well-trained horses through a haylot. She drew them back to where the sense had stopped registering and realized with satisfaction that Peter Wagner spoke not, as sheâd thought at first, in earnest, but in anger and scorn, taunting the psychiatrist, taunting all the stiff, self-righteous world. Again she saw him dangling in his overcoat, below him churning fog and San Franciscoâs colored lights. She imagined the psychiatrist, at the rail above, with baggy-lidded eyes, the policemen like storm-troopers in a World War II movie.
âGet the rope,â someone said.
Looking down at the fog, insofar as he could, was like looking at clouds from above.
âThatâs from Kierkegaard,â Dr. Berg said with sugary interest.
âYouâre an intellectual,â he said.
A rope came down, with a grapnel on the end, and they fumbled it toward him. He broke free with his left hand, hanging only with his right, and Dr. Berg said, âLay off,â then whispered, âLet me talk to him.â Dr. Berg said, âYou think I donât know about suffering? Youâre suffering.â
âItâs true. Christ.â It was not true, except that his fingers had lost their numbness and his knuckles were in pain.
âYou feel as if all lifeâs a waste. Youâve read the philosophersâhungry, hungryâand nobodyâs got a real answer. Youâre practically an authority on existentialism, absurdism!â He carefully spoke French.
âChrist, yes.â
âLove is an illusion. Hope is the opiate of the people. Faith is pure stupidity. Thatâs how you feel.â
âYes,â he said. âYes.â
âLet him drop,â Dr. Berg said coldly.
The gloved hands let loose but he hung on.
âIs there a ship underneath me?â he asked.
Berg laughed. âYouâre testing me, friend. Youâre a very complex person.â
âIs there?â he said.
âNo. Not right now.â
âYouâre a very complex person too. If you canât win, you want me smashed on some fucking ship.â He looked up and the mushroom face smiled.
âThat may be true,â Dr. Berg said. âIt puts you in kind of a bind, doesnât it? Youâre too drunk to tell if thereâs a ship underneath you, and since Iâm a professional psychiatrist, with a certain inevitable ego-involvement in the work I do, maybe Iâd rather see you smashed on a ship than gently sucked out by the ocean if Iâve got to lose.â
âThatâs true,â he said. He began to cry, carefully listening to the foghorns. âThe whole modern world is a catastrophe for the individual psyche. Iâve tried everythingâlove, drugs, whiskey, withdrawal to the Old Symbolic Sea, but everywhere I turn falsehood, illusion. I want to die.â He glanced quickly at Dr. Berg, then down again. âWaaa!â he bawled.
âI know how you feel,â Dr. Berg said, vastly gentle. âYou think I havenât felt it?