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some lousy lie about hanging out
with my mother when I was, in fact, going to see Finn.
    I felt like shit.
    “ I think he drugged my drink,” Beth
continued. “I started feeling really out of it. Lightheaded, I
guess. He took me upstairs to his room so I could lie down. I
didn’t want to. I kept telling him I didn’t want to!”
    She burst into tears, long ragged sobs that
sounded painful in her chest.
    “ It’s okay,” I said, stroking her back.
All I could think was that I wasn’t there. If I had been there,
this wouldn’t have happened. My fault. My fault.
    “ He took my clothes off,” she said. “I
told him no. I tried to scream it, but my tongue felt so huge. Like
it was swollen. He said I wanted it and that I was just a
tease.”
    “ You don’t have to tell me anymore,” I
whispered. I couldn’t stand to hear it.
    “ No! I have to! I have to get it out!”
she screamed, and I nodded.
    She took a deep breath, trying to settle the
hitching in her chest.
    “ I cried, and he licked my face. I think
he was licking my tears. And then he had sex with me while he
covered my mouth, and he told me not to tell anyone because no one
would believe me. He knew I wasn’t a virgin. He knew I had slept
with guys on the swim team. Those idiots must brag about it or
something.”
    My head swam with a mixture of guilt: guilt
for not going to the party with Beth, guilt for her attack, guilt
for sneaking around with her boyfriend, guilt for lying to her.
    “ He’s right, Brooke,” Beth said. Her
voice quavered uncontrollably. “No one would believe me. He’s
all-American swim team champ. I’m the girl who’s fucked three guys
at school. No one would believe me.”
    “ That’s not true,” I argued. “You have to
come forward, Beth. You can’t let him get away with it.”
    “ Are you crazy?” she shrieked. It came
out harsher than I think she expected. I shrank away from her,
confused. “God, Brooke, do you even know what you’re asking of
me?”
    ***
    I hated the first day of school. This one
was made monstrously worse by the fact that I knew no one. Yes, the
prospect of starting with a clean slate was attractive, but being
as it was my senior year, I didn’t know if I wanted or cared to put
the energy into making friends. It seemed too hard, and then I had
already decided to put all my time and energy into destroying Cal’s
life. I wasn’t sure how a new friend or group of friends would fit
into that picture.
    I wandered down the main hallway looking for
Hallway D. I quickly discovered how complicated the school layout
was, mirroring that haunted mansion out west whose owner had
workers building onto it every day until she died. Twists and turns
that seemed to lead nowhere—a haphazard sort of architecture with
no rhyme or reason. A person could get lost in here, and I wondered
if it was designed that way on purpose. I imagined teachers
snickering in the teachers’ lounge watching surveillance video of
confused students scurrying about like rats trying to locate their
classrooms. Perhaps it was one big psychological experiment.
    I don’t know how, but I eventually stumbled
upon Hallway D. Of course, I had no idea how to get to my first
class from here, but I’d worry about that when the bell rang. Right
now I scanned the lockers shoved on one side of the hall until I
located mine. I stored away the few binders and notebooks I brought
with me and slapped a magnetic mirror to the inside of the locker
door. That was it. I was ready. I closed the door and looked
around.
    A few girls glanced my way as they passed
by. I decided to smile, but they kept walking, either oblivious to
my kind gesture or determined to keep me out of the fold. Whatever.
I wasn’t looking to make friends. I was looking to annihilate Cal,
and I watched as he walked towards me. I tensed, feeling uncertain
about the outfit I chose to wear. I was usually only self-conscious
around guys I was attracted to. I was certainly not