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not only shows interest, but goes against the natural order of dating: the guy pursuing the girl. If you speak to or text a guy first, that’s making the first move, so how will you ever know if he would have reached out on his own? You won’t—and that’s the problem!
    The intention behind talking to or texting a guy first falls into three basic categories. The first and worst is to create a relationship. The second and more subtle is to remind him that you exist, or even ask him out, if you don’t hear from him after a date. The third is to get closure because you haven’t heard from him in a while. All three are pretexts for making things happen or keeping a relationship going, and totally against
The Rules
.
    Talking to or texting a guy first may make you feel cool, but essentially you’re just getting in the back door, creating a relationship that may never have happened otherwise. He may date you because he is flattered or bored or because you’re nice, but he probably isn’t truly crazy about you. You might get mixed messages from him—sometimes he acts interested, sometimes he forgets you exist—but that isn’t a
Rules
relationship. When a guy talks to you or texts you first, he is never ambivalent. He is always interested and always intouch. If you talk to or text a guy first and end up in a relationship with him, you might be confused when he eventually ends it, but trust us, it’s because you made the first move.
    In a
Rules
relationship, a guy contacts you after a date to ask you out again. You never need to text him first at any point, because he is always texting you about the next date. So if you don’t hear from him again, the relationship is over and contacting him to keep it going (“Had a great time, thanks for dinner!” or “Haven’t heard from you, is everything okay?”) is a ruse that won’t work. Your tactics might extend the relationship briefly, but eventually he will end it by never texting you again. Save yourself time and heartache by not texting a guy first—ever. This
Rule
also applies to instant messages, Facebook, and e-mails, as we will discuss in later chapters.
    You might be thinking, “Seriously? Even today a guy still has to reach out to me first?” or “Everything is more casual these days. This generation is different!” We understand how you feel. It may seem crazy or way too strict not to talk to or text guys first, but it really works! When we told women fifteen-plus years ago not to initiate a relationship by speaking to or calling men first, they also reacted with utter shock. But they quickly got over it when they realized the results.
    Sometimes successful women are the biggest
Rules
-breakers. They argue that their MBA or graduate degrees give them license to pursue men like they pursue careers and condos. But a
Rules
-y businesswoman knows that work and love are just not the same. TV sensation Bethenny Frankel is a perfect example. Frankel pursued everything in her life—a reality show, books, DVDs, and a beverage business—but she did not pursue her husband, Jason Hoppy. Frankel told the
New York Times
that Hoppy walked up to her and spoke to her first at a club, despite the swarm of photographers vying for her attention. If letting a guy make the first move is good enough for this TV powerhouse, it’s good enough for you!
    Unfortunately, many smart young women find this
Rule
out the hard way. Abby, a twenty-one-year-old journalism major, thought
The Rules
were so yesterday. She had read our first book in her freshman year, but didn’t feel it applied to her because she liked doing her own thing. So when David walked into the bar and didn’t come over to her, she went over to him. She thought, “What’s the worst that can happen?” She liked everything about David’s look, from his long, wavy hair to his Polo shirt with the collar up to his sports jacket and LL Bean loafers. He was “exactly her type,” she told us.
    She said hey and nothing