Read North by Night for Free Online Page B

confused.
    11
January
    My dear Lucinda
,
    I’m sorry I got so upset last evening. I spent the whole night in thought about what happened and I still don’t understand. I’d come and speak with you, but Ma won’t allow it. She’s afraid I’ll get the measles. Sometimes Ma forgets that I’m a man, or nearly. She treats me like a child. Since I can’t come, I’ve decided to write. I hope your brother will deliver this promptly and that you will reply
.
    As I said, I stayed up all night. Remember the hill at the far northeastern corner of our farm? Where the creek pools up below and we swim all summer? That’s my favorite place. There’s a big flat rock where I climb up and think about things. We picnicked there last summer, do you remember? I haven’t forgotten. It was the first time we kissed
.
    Last night I took a couple of horse blankets and lay on the rock to study the stars and ponder
.
    And here’s what I think: I haven’t made my feelings clear to you. I haven’t asked you to share yours
.
    I care for you, Lucinda. I can’t imagine my life without you in the center. But since I haven’t been bold enough to tell you, perhaps you haven’t understood. Is that it? Did you allow that Quaker to kiss you because you didn’t know of my affection? Because you thought my kisses were only childish games? If so, I’ll forgive you. Indeed, I’ll need to forgive myself, for it is more my fault than yours. Know this, Lucinda. A man’s heart beats in my chest—it beats for you
.
    Another thought came to me. Did you even allow the kiss I saw? If that Quaker forced you, just say the word and I’ll make him sorrier than he’s ever been. I’ve never thought much of those Quakers, with their silent services and stern faces. I think they keep secrets under those round hats
.
    One more question I must ask, even if it hurts. Have I misjudged your feelings? Do you like him more than you like me? If so, and I pray it isn’t so, please write and tell me straight out. I will take as a man whatever comes
.
    I hope my thoughts, jumbled as they are, haven’t overburdened you. I know you are an angel, caring for a sickneighbor. It is one of the many reasons I cherish you, my dear Lucinda
.
    Yours
,
Jonathan
    A big sigh escapes as I finish reading. Every time I read this letter his words warm and trouble me. I do feel cherished, but confused, too.
    If only Mama were here to tell me what to do. But she isn’t, so I must tuck all my letters into this journal and hide the whole business deep in my box of soiled clothing.
    I don’t expect Miss Aurelia to snoop in my belongings, but if she somehow found my private thoughts, I’d be greatly embarrassed. And if somebody else found them, the wrong somebody, disaster would strike.
    T HURSDAY , J ANUARY 16, 1851
    January is half gone and still no sign of the sun. And the clouds today seem grayer than ever. Is this possible? Of course it’s possible; winter in northern Ohio is bleak at best. Now I fear we are about to get its worst.
    Dear Thomas. He’s such a good boy. Yesterday before he left he stacked all the new-cut wood for Miss Aurelia. He carried lots of it to the back porch for us, and a good thing, too. If those aren’t snow clouds I see piling up in the western sky, I’m a dappled mare.
    And speaking of the mare, I must string a rope from the house to the barn so that if the snows do come, wewon’t lose our way when we feed the horses and do the milking. Just in case …
    F RIDAY , J ANUARY 17, 1851
V ERY EARLY
    I am no dappled mare.
    Snow came in the night while we were sleeping. Up in the attic the baby cried, as she does some nights. It woke me and I listened, wondering if I’d be needed. I heard footsteps, her mother tending her, and then no more cries. No sounds at all, just a deep silence, as if I lay in a room filled with pillows. I crept from my bed and peered out. The clouds had emptied their treasures for us, billowing drifts of white diamonds. The first snow