Read No Phule Like An Old Phule for Free Online

as necessary pain, in my book.”
    “Well, we’ll do what we can to avoid pain,” said Lola.

    “But the best way to ensure that, right about now, is to get ourselves on a starship headed for Lorelei. So give me your credit chip, and I’ll get busy on that-and once we’re on the way, we’ll have plenty of time to work out the next steps.”
    “All right,” said Ernie, reaching for his wallet. “But this better be good.”
    “Don’t worry,” said Lola, brightly. “I expect everything to work out perfectly this time.” Her smile as she took his credit chip was almost sincere enough to convince him.
    Sergeant Mayhem’s eyes bulged out in disbelief. He’d been assigned as the Space Legion recruiting officer on Teloon for close to fifteen years ever since he’d managed to pyramid a minor injury sustained during the Stoddard’s World police action into a cushy desk job far from any chance of action. Little had he realized just how far he was going to be from the action. In his entire time on Teloon, he’d averaged less than one recruit a year-on a planet with a population pushing the three billion mark!
    He still didn’t understand how the Legion could afford to keep him here. Probably some clerk had figured out that letting him retire, paying his pension (a hefty sum considering his years in service), giving him passage to a world of his choice, and shipping a replacement out to Teloon would cost the Legion more than keeping him on the rolls. Assuming they were ever going to replace him-given his results over the years, it hardly seemed worth the Legion’s while.
    But sure enough, here sat one of the planet’s natives on the other side of his desk, practically begging to enlist! It took all his will power to keep from drooling at the prospect. “Well, sonny, do you think you have what it takes to be a legionnaire?” he asked. The question blithely skimmed over the fact that all it really took to be a legionnaire was the ability to walk, stumble, or crawl into a recruiting station and do something-almost anything that could reasonably be interpreted as an effort to enlist.
    The Legion was far from picky.
    “I honestly don’t know, sir,” said the native. “All I can say is that I’ve been doing everything I possibly can to prepare myself. I’ve got excellent grades in school…”
    “Good, very good,” said Sergeant Mayhem, nodding enthusiastically. He himself had left school as early as the law on his home planet allowed-at roughly age fourteen, if he remembered correctly. It had been a good while back.
    His lack of education hadn’t hampered his Legion career, as far as he could tell. How smart did a guy have to be to carry a gun and dig ditches?
    “And I think I’m in excellent physical condition,” the native continued. “I’ve played three varsity sports and, I’ve got belts in two different martial… ”
    “Great,” said Mayhem. That made it slightly more likely that the recruit would complete basic Legion training which he needed to do if the recruiting officer was going to get his bonus for bringing in a live one.
    Mayhem had lost the bonus on about a third of his recruits. He always hated it when that happened. But this one sounded as if he might actually make it through the not-too-rigorous Legion boot camp… as long as he didn’t mind being treated like dirt.
    “You have any idea what you’re getting yourself in for?” he asked, somewhat reluctantly. He certainly didn’t want to scare the kid off, but the regulations required him to make it more or less clear that this wasn’t going to be any kind of picnic. “The Legion’s not for softies, you know,” he continued. “If the Alliance winds up in a war, it’s the Legion that’s going to get sent to fight it. You understand what that means, don’t you?”
    “I understand, sir, and I’m ready,” said the native. “What do I have to do to join?”
    “Read this paper and sign it,” said Mayhem. “You’ll take a