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about what just happened?” The car speeds slightly and I can tell instantly from his driving, he is getting anxious.
     “I don't know what to say, Luke. I like you kissing me. Feeling all those magical flutters flow through my veins, it’s like an explosion that I can’t subside.” I shake my head and he slows the speed of the car slightly.
     “I like kissing you too.” He breathes. He plays around with something on the steering wheel and the car is filled with music. ' When September ends'. As he drives, the song sends me off into a daydream. The lyrics are speaking to me in a way they shouldn’t. I try to block it out, but here it comes. It’s back and raging in full force.

I need to cut.

No, I don’t!

Cut Ella! Cut! Cut!

NO!

My mind is torturing me. I must have forgotten to take my pills. I’m oblivious to where I am.
I’m with Luke. He cares for me.

No, I don’t need to cut.

I don't.

I don’t.

I FUCKING DON’T.

Okay Ella, calm down. Remember what your Dr. said. Happiness is with the beholder.

No, Luke, doesn’t care for me, he just wants to fuck me.

NO!
    I need to get home before I have an anxiety attack. My whole body has tensed just from one sad song. I can’t be this weak, I got so far. I feel sweat pour down my face. Luke puts on another song and all that tension and wanting to hurt goes. It feels so much better. I’m calmed immediately. It’s 'Baby Got Back'. He goes to change the track and I have to stop him.
     “No, Luke, I like this song.” So he leaves it and we drive down the long road I was so relaxed driving on earlier.
     

Chapter Three
     
     
    We drive home with soft songs playing, none of which are making me anxious. I direct him to my house and we laugh and joke all the way. I totally forget about my anxiety attack. I’m glad I controlled it and that he didn’t have to witness it. At least not yet, well, that’s if he wants some kind of relationship with me. If he knew, he would be running for the hills. My illness is forbidden to be spoken about. Sometimes I just have to scream it out, run and scream. It’s so built up, but my pills help me. My mom was heartbroken when she found out what I had done. I was shocked to see her that way. Begging me to stop, pulling at my clothes, sobbing. I just held her. Held her until she stopped.
    It’s an addiction .
    Just one more pill, just one more drink, just one more drag, just one more cut.
    We’re all addicted to something, something that takes away the pain. We’re all scared of ourselves. Scared of the inner workings of our own minds. Desperate for an escape, a way out, a release. Living in such a cruel world, we don’t know what to do anymore. We’ve lost sight of who we are. We just indulge in habits that kill us; kills us so sweetly, so sinfully. We take comfort in the pain, it’s familiar, it’s what we know.
    Just one more pill, just one more drink, just one more drag, just one more cut.
    We’re all addicted to something that takes away the pain, but my pain is still there and nobody knows. It’s hidden. I don’t want to tell Luke, and that’s our fate killed already because of my stupid fucking addiction. When we pull up outside my house, my feelings subside, I feel relaxed, but my palms are sweaty. He stops, puts on the brake, and turns off the ignition. He bows his head.
     “Ella, I don’t know what you are feeling right now, but I wish I did. This is going quick. We haven’t even had a date yet and I’m barely broken up from Jenna.”
His words are a whisper. I don’t understand. Now he’s dumping me, again? What? He’s right, we don’t know each other and he’s only just left his ‘hot shot’ beautiful girlfriend. Fuck this. What happened to the Luke that just shared such an intimate experience with me? Did he disappear?
     “I think we should slow down. Before one of us gets hurt.”
     “Little late for that, don't you think,