Read Monkeys Wearing Pants for Free Online

lower the window. He'll just fly out
when it's all the way down, right? Wrong. Somehow the physics got
all wonky and the man-killing wasp was propelled like a rocket to
the right side of my neck. After screaming like a little girl, I
grabbed the first thing I could find to defend myself. It happened
to be my Kindle, which was charging on the passenger seat. Anyone
driving by me at this point would have looked over and seen a guy
in a panic, screaming obscenities while beating himself senseless
about the head and neck with a Kindle. I finally landed a lethal
blow, and the demon wasp landed on the passenger seat, feet up and
motionless. With a great sense of relief, I continued down the
highway, hoping my underwear was slightly damp as a result of
sweating in the heat and not as a result of the much less desirable
alternative. Suddenly, in the tradition of every slasher movie ever
made, the seemingly dead wasp rose up and starting buzzing around
the car again. What the hell? WHAT THE HELL? This time, I pulled
off the freeway and went mano-a-mano with the little bastard until
it was pulp. DIE, WASP, DIE!!! After a quick victory dance, I was
back in the car and on my way with all the windows up.

More Random
Randomness
    A postal worker in
Florida got busted for running in numerous marathons after going on
worker’s comp for a back injury. Ironically, her race times
actually improved after she went out on her fake claim. Not so
ironically, it still takes me 45 minutes at the post office to mail
a couple of things and buy a book of stamps.
    I'm not big on leftover refried beans or, as
I call them, re-refried beans.
    I’m sorry, but your password must contain an
uppercase letter, a number, a symbol, a rare blood type, a haiku, a
roman numeral and the name of your first pet in Esperanto.
    I want to get a dog and name it Karma. That
way, when it does something it shouldn't, I can say, "Bad
Karma!"
    Do you think a rat ever started eating
something and then thought, "Whoa! Studies have proven this stuff
kills humans!"
    Sometimes, I have this dream that I'm a big
league baseball player, and when I come up to bat, the PA system
plays “Muskrat Love” (Captain and Tennille version) as my song.
What can that possibly mean?
    Twenty-one people at an event hosted by
motivational speaker Tony Robbins suffered second and third degree
burns while walking across hot coals, and three of the injured were
treated at hospitals. I am now HIGHLY MOTIVATED to never try a
stupid stunt like that.
    For the first time playing Wii baseball, I
hit a Grand Slam AND an out-of-the-park home run in the same game.
Sadly, shortly thereafter I was traded for a nunchuk and a Mii to
be named later.
    We bought a new fridge today. It’s not big
enough to hide a body or anything, but I can see a tuna casserole
getting lost in the back for 3 or 4 weeks.
    It's official. I now have more flash drives
than toes.
    I saw a great bumper sticker today when I
was driving. I looked over and saw a stunningly good-looking blonde
driving past me in a brand new, red convertible with the top down.
As she passed, I saw the bumper sticker which simply read: "You
wish." Classic.
    Instructions? Instructions? I'm a guy. We
don't need any instructions. I like to assemble Ikea furniture in a
dark room with butter knife, a tuning fork, a roll of double-sided
tape and that wrapper from the chalupa I had for lunch.
    One of my New Year’s resolutions was to try
even harder to pretend I like cats. I just like dogs better, even
though I totally don’t understand people who get really small dogs.
What’s the point? When your dog looks like a hamster on performance
enhancing drugs, that’s just sad (for you and the dog). If you
carry around a tiny dog and people mistake it for a keychain, your
dog is just too damn small. If you lose your dog in the bottom of
your purse between the (curiously strong) tin of Altoids and a pile
of Target coupons, then you have a perrito muy chiquito that needs
to