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incredibly
stupid things if they think it will get them just a little bit
closer to the magical, mystical, big V. Yet many find the actual
word – VAGINA – to be offensive to say. I am going to help the
cause. From now on, when saying goodbye to any male friends (OK,
not any since I have some friends who are not motivated by any part
of the female anatomy), I'm going to say, “See you later! Have a
great VAGINA day!” If I don't hear someone clearly, I'm going to
say, "I'm sorry...did you say VAGINA?” When I play board games, as
soon as someone starts to ask the trivia question like, in the year
1876, who...., I will shout out, "VAGINA!" If I go to a restaurant,
I will ask the male server, "So, how's the VAGINA today?" I'm going
to start saying to people, “Hey, is that a VAGINA in your pocket or
are you just happy to see me?" And on Facebook, I'm going to start
asking, "Hey! Where can I click to show that I 'like' that
vagina?"
    One of the top young Scrabble players in the
country has been kicked out of the game's national championship
tournament in Florida after he was caught hiding blank letter
tiles, organizers said Tuesday. Cheating at a Scrabble tournament?
Now, this guy is going to be an outcast to the entire nerd
community, shunned by the thick glasses and pocket protector crowd
forever, relegated to playing Chutes and Ladders in his mom's
basement. Oh, the shame!
    After decades of existence, the United
Nations has failed to come up with a universal popcorn setting for
microwave ovens. What are they doing over there?
    Listen, I do think your girlfriend is hot.
But it's a dry heat.
    These are punch lines. I don’t have the
actual joke yet, but hey, the hard part is done!
    1. Sure, but then you end up with a parrot
and a bad haircut!
    2. Only once, but in fairness, she didn’t
see the chandelier.
    3. What? I thought you said watermelon on
the grass!
    4. So, if anything happens to me, buy that
damn monkey a hat!
    5. You remembered the Great Dane! You
remembered the chandelier! But now you have to go back for the
instruction manual?
    6. Yes, a monkey in a nice suit with a solar
calculator did this…twice!
    7. That’s odd because I asked for all the
money in the world AND a rotisserie.
    8. No big deal? It was hell to get that
gecko out in one piece!
    Lamborghini, for its 50th anniversary, has
created a $4 million car that will be assembled for only three
buyers who've already put down their deposits. I tried to put down
my deposit, but I was too late. I did, however, manage to reserve
the custom keychain that comes with the car, and they gave me
7-year financing so, you know, pretty good deal...
    The definition of insanity as it relates to
underwear: when you continue to wear the same old, ratty,
devoid-of-any-remaining-elasticity underwear, even though every
time that you do, it inevitably does its best to migrate south,
causing you the public shame and humiliation of having to reach
into your own pants to give yourself a self-inflicted atomic
wedgie.
    I know I’m not helping the worldwide
diplomatic process, but I just kicked some guy’s ass from Pakistan
in online backgammon three times in a row.
    Three things I said that DID NOT get me out
of jury duty yesterday:
    1. “Convicted felons could be reformed if
they just had more musical theater in their lives.”
    2. “I’m not prejudiced, but I hate Smurfs
and believe that they are generally up to no good.”
    3. “Sure, I’ll be on the jury as long as I
can bring my Kindle, balloon animals and large bag of White Castle
burgers every day.”
    What is wrong with people? Seriously, why
can't a consenting adult legally marry someone from another galaxy?
A Centauri and a woman can't marry and start popping out little
multi-galactic brats like everybody else? A Logopolitan can't fall
in love with the earthling of her dreams? Oh, and for the love of
God, whatever you do, don't get down with a Medusoid and have
children! They may turn out to be hairy jellyfish