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707.” 
    When Leah and I return to my
hospital room and I get situated in bed, Leah lies down beside me.
I hold her close and wonder why I left her in the first place. Did
I really think she would blame me for Jamie’s death? How could I
have had such little faith in her? How could I have left her to
grieve our daughter alone? True, I thought
she was in an irreversible coma, but because I left her she had to
deal with the grief of losing Jamie, and my absence, all while she
was recovering. 
    “ Robert, stop thinking about
it. It’s in the past and you can’t change it,” Leah says without
even looking at me. 
    I kiss her soft black hair. Leah, my parents
and her parents are the only people who call me Robert. “I’m not
thinking about anything.” 
    “ Don’t lie to me.” She tilts
her head back and smiles.
    “ How did you know?” I
ask. 
    “ I always know when you lie
to me, but your fast heartbeat is a sure sign.” 
    “ I’m sorry, Sweets. I never
should have left you after Jamie’s death. I just
thought…” 
    “ Robert, let’s not think
about the past. Let’s just get you better so we can begin to heal
and work on us.” 
    “ Us. I like the way that
sounds,” I say honestly. 
    “ Me, too. Robert, I was
wondering how you plan to detox. Do you need to speak to those
doctors for help?” 
    “ No, Leah, I don’t. I
survived the loss of our daughter. If I can survive that, I can
suffer through detox.” 
    “ What if it proves to be too
much for you?” 
    “ Then I plan to use my
boxing training to help get through it. If I can last 12 rounds in
a boxing match, I think I can detox. Some of the boxing training
was strength training, but it was also mind training. It’ll be mind
over matter. I don’t want you to worry. If it is too much, I’ll
call the doctors for help.” 
    “ Or, if I think it’s too
much, I’ll also call the doctors for help,” Leah
states. 
    “ Fair enough. But, Leah, everyone talks about how hard it is to
detox, to quit smoking, to lose or gain weight. They make those
things sound impossible. For some people they may be difficult,
maybe even impossible, but not for everyone. As a boxer, if I
decided to lose ten pounds of fat, I lost it. If I decided to gain
ten pounds of muscle, I gained it. When I decided to quit smoking
cigars, I broke my cigars in half and stopped smoking cigars. I can
do this. I have Motrin for detox symptoms and I have you. I also
have willpower. But I will need one more thing to help me get
through quitting drugs cold turkey.” 
    “ What is
that?” 
    “ Peanut butter and jelly
sandwiches. When I am released from the hospital, let’s swing by a
grocery store and pick up some whole-wheat bread, strawberry jelly,
and crunchy peanut butter.”
    “ Did one of your doctors say
this is necessary?” 
    “ No, I just like peanut
butter and jelly sandwiches. Besides, I need to gain ten pounds,
not necessarily of muscle. I am way too thin. Humans need some fat
on their bodies to be healthy.” 
    “ I have one more thing that
may help you quit cold turkey: a subscription to Netflix.
Binge-watching Breaking Bad and A Game of
Thrones may take your mind off other kinds
of binging.” 
    “ Good idea. And I need
chewing gum — lots of chewing gum.” 
    The nurse comes into the
room and I ask her if I can get tested for every disease possible.
The past few months I have done many things that I am ashamed of. I
know I am at risk of contracting many things through sharing of
needles. I have always been a goal setter and achiever. My goals
recently were to get high every day and to die soon of a drug
overdose. My goals have now changed. If I
ever gave something to Leah, because of my selfish acts, I would
never forgive myself. I don’t ask in private and I don’t expect
Leah to question me. She is a smart woman and she already
knows. Molly was my partner and friend the
last several months, but this is one part of my life that I never
want