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decisions concerning
a wide array of your slave's behaviors. You have to
pick your fights.

    • Personal presentation - grooming and dress: One
dresses (or, at least one should dress) in a manner
intended to attract someone who would dress similarly.
If you're looking for someone who likes to hang out
at shopping malls, then blue jeans are your ticket. If
you're looking for someone who likes to hang out at a
four-star hotel lobby, blue jeans are not your ticket. I
have a friend whose submissive will ONLY wear black
and will ONLY wear spike heels. Hard limits. Deal
breaker. One of the first things she negotiated with
him. Sound silly or inconsequential? That depends
upon your personal lifestyle. There are situations in
life where wearing 5-inch spiked heels and dressing
entirely in black makes you really, really stand out.
Think "wedding," or "seaside resort," or "summertime
in Glacier Park at the elegant lodge for dinner." Can
you live with this or something similar? I know a Dom
in our local BDSM community who insists that nobody
can tell him how to dress. I've seen him show up in
blue jeans at a rather formal dinner party. Everyone
else was in full fetish costuming. You can draw your
own conclusions.
    • Correct use of English: In the same way that one
dresses in a manner to attract a partner with similar tastes, the way you speak telegraphs your background
- and that will be tied to a number of compatibility
issues. I started life as a high school English teacher.
When I hear someone using regional grammar ("I'd
like for you to go to the market, please."), I notice it.
If someone uses incorrect English ("Jim ain't got a
chance of making that shot."), I notice it. If someone
uses the wrong word ("Please keep me appraised of
the situation."), I notice it. And I will say, personally,
that imprecise English is on my list of "hard limits" for
a partner.

    • Social manners/poise/personal mannerisms: Do
you notice if a person wipes his/her mouth with a linen
table napkin or pats his/her mouth? Do you care if
a person (of either gender) plops down in a chair or
couch, rather than lowering him/herself into place? Do
you notice whether women cross their ankles when
seated or cross their legs? Do you notice whether
a woman is wearing hose with her sandals? What
images are YOU projecting that would attract a person
with the type of social manners that you seek? And
before you jump in and say that this doesn't apply
to you, mentally transport yourself to some extreme
subculture - Borneo tribe, or inner-city ghetto, or elite
country club in Beverly Hills.
    • Sexual aptitude, appetite, and preferences: Are
you a match or mismatch? In the early flush of a relationship, one is inclined to overlook some issues. "I
wish she dressed up a bit more," or "I wish he didn't
slurp his coffee," or "I wish she wouldn't drive so fast."
But, these can be handled through protocols within the
context of an M/s relationship. Not so for sex. If one
partner's idea of sex is five minutes of fucking and the
other person's is a two-hour sexual marathon, there's
bound to be a problem - and it may not be very resolv able. If one partner is extremely sexually experienced
and the other partner is not, there's bound to be a
problem - again, it may not be very resolvable, even
with communication and counseling.

    The problem with resolving sexual compatibility issues is that
we're not taught much about how to coach people in this arena.
So, women fake orgasms and men resort to finding other ways
of feeling fulfilled. For those of us who live in the world of BDSM
play, issues of sexual compatibility become even more complicated. What if your slave needs to be spanked/caned/flogged
to get warmed up before serious rough sex that involves face
slapping, but your ideal evening consists of spending an hour
or so tying up your slave in an elaborate shibari rope harness
and then just sitting there