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world’s greatest basketball teams! And I could have been their greatest coach ever. If only . . .’
    At that moment I noticed Newton, who was still standing on the winner’s block. His face was very pale and he was swaying from side to side.
    â€˜Mr Grunt,’ I said, but Mr Grunt was staring into space, saying, ‘If only . . . if only . . . ’
    â€˜Mr Grunt!’ I said, louder this time.
    But it was too late. Newton swayed violently and fell forwards off the podium and onto the ground. He sat up, looking dazed.
    Jenny went to help him.
    The thud of Newton hitting the ground snapped Mr Grunt out of his daydream. ‘Oh, for goodness’sake,’ he said, with his hands on his hips. ‘Newton Hooton, you are wasting my time.’ Then he looked at Mr Brainfright. ‘And so are you.’
    â€˜That’s not how Principal Greenbeard sees it,’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘He thinks a banana mascot is a great idea, and he has already given his permission for me to perform on the day.’
    Mr Grunt went red with anger. ‘Oh, did he just?’ he said. ‘Well, you DO NOT have permission to interrupt my class with your bizarre antics!’
    â€˜I’m sorry you feel that way, Mr Grunt,’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘And as a fellow teacher I completely respect your right to teach your classes as you see fit. But if you ever need me . . .’
    â€˜Thank you very much,’ said Mr Grunt sarcastically, ‘but if I ever get so desperate that I need to call on you to help me I’ll . . . I’ll . . . well, I’ll
never
get
that
desperate! Goodbye . . . and good riddance!’
    Mr Brainfright shrugged. ‘Suit yourself, Mr Grunt,’ he said sadly. He put the banana head on and walked off across the oval.
    He was down, but not out.
    Not by a long shot.

19
Just another normal sports class

    The rest of our sports class was pretty much business as usual.
    Jack was given another fifty laps for attempting to mount the winners’ podium by bunny-hopping his way to the top. And I was given fifty laps for laughing at Jack’s attempt to mount the winners’ podium by bunny-hopping to the top.
    Later, during relay practice, Jenny caused an eight-student pile-up. She stopped to help the other team when one of their runners dropped a baton and they all ended up crashing into each other.
    Gretel dropped a shot-put ball on her toes.
    Grant snapped a pole-vaulting stick in half.
    Clive threw a javelin at Penny and Gina’s imaginary horses and made them cry. (Penny and Gina, that is, not the horses.)
    The class ended with Mr Grunt losing histemper and giving everybody fifty laps. Gretel was the only one who didn’t have to do them. She’d been to see Mrs Bandaid and had come back wearing ten bandaids—two on each toe.

20
Egg attack!

    The next morning we all limped into the schoolyard in varying degrees of pain. My legs were really hurting from the laps, Jenny had a big bruise on her arm from the relay accident, and Gretel was on crutches.
    â€˜What are we going to do?’ said Jenny. ‘Things are worse than ever!’
    â€˜Not as bad as they’re about to get,’ said Newton, his eyes wide with fear.
    â€˜What are you talking about?’ said Jenny. ‘How could things possibly get worse?’
    Jenny got her answer in the form of an egg thrown from the window of the Northwest West Academy bus, which seemed to have appeared out of thin air.
    The egg hit Jenny’s shoulder and splattered all down the front of her dress.
    â€˜Good morning, losers!’ yelled Troy Gurgling,who was hanging out the window of the bus, his hands full of eggs. ‘Wakey, wakey!’
    â€˜Egg attack!’ Jack yelled. ‘Run!’
    But we were all either too sore or too injured to run, and it was too late anyway.
    The egg that hit Jenny was followed by five more—one for each of