think Jamie will. He needs an active father, now heâs growing up. He needs more to do than walks with his nurse.â
âHeâs still only a babe. He needs only me.â
âSo letâs wait till weâve heard what provisions Linas has made for you, then we shall know better what his needs are, shanât we? You are exhausted, and so am I. Itâs time you were home. Come. I have to get back to Abbots Mere before the snow gets deeper.â
âWhat about the servants?â I said, relieved to have been let off so lightly. âYou came here toââ
âBrierley can stay to deal with that. He lives on Petergate. You should trust him. Heâs an honest man.â
âIâm sure he is. Heâll have your interests at heart.â
âAnd Jamieâs. Is that such a bad thing?â
Still, I could not help myself. Perhaps I wanted to provoke him, to make him react, in spite of his courtesy to me. Perhaps I was a little mad that day. âIf I was retaining him,â I said, âit would not be such a bad thing. But Iâm not, am I?â
We had reached the door where his hand rested upon the large brass knob but, as my stupidly caustic remark stung him into action, he turned to me with characteristic speed, taking me by the shoulders with hands that bit through all my woollen layers. Holding me back against the deeply carved doorcase, he bent his head to look inside my hood and, whatever anger he saw on my face, it could have been nothing to the fury on his.
âStop it, woman!â he snarled. âYou think youâre the only loser in this damned business? You think youâve had the thin end of the wedge, do you? Well, do you? Forget it. He was my brother. You had him for the best part of six years. I had him for thirty. We bothâ¦you and meâ¦did what he wanted us to do, and if you had less choice in the matter than youâd have liked, well, I had just as little. I did it for him, and you believed I did it for you, didnât you? Thatâs why youâre so angry. Dâye think I make a habit of creeping into my lady guestsâ beds while theyâre asleep?â
Since he was being kind enough to ask my opinion on that, Iâd like to have said that he must have had a fair bit of practice at it. But, no, I said nothing of the kind. Nothing at all, in fact. I simply shook my head, which made my hood fall off. I noticed two new hairline creases from his nose to his mouth. I noticed that his eyelids were puffy, as if heâd been weeping. I noticed a sprinkling of silver hairs in that luxurious dark mop, just above his ears.
âIâm sorry,â I whispered. âIâm overwrought. We both need to rest.â
He sighed through his nose with lips compressed, and I thought he was going to say more because his eyes held mine, letting me read the sadness written there more eloquently than words. Then he released me, and I felt the tingling where his hands had been, and I stoodstill while he pulled up my hood and settled it round my face. I was under no illusions; he would do the same for any of his closer woman friends, I was sure. Perhaps their minds would empty too, just for those few seconds.
âCalm down,â he said, gruffly. âGo home and get warm. Come on.â
Outside on the pavement, the lamplighter clambered down his ladder into the horizontal white blizzard, having cast a halo of light dancing across the ghostly snow-covered figures below. Lord Wintersonâs groom emerged from the narrow alley that led to Linasâs courtyard and stables, riding one horse and leading the mighty grey hunter that blew clouds of white into the freezing air. âFollow on,â Winterson called to him, taking my arm and linking it through his.
âI can manage,â I said, ready to pull away. âReally I can.â
But he clamped my hand with his elbow and, bending his head into the snowstorm, began to
Damien Broderick, Paul di Filippo