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remembered that during the Civil War the Southerners spent a lot of their spare time burying the family silver in case it was looted by the damned Yankees.
    â€˜Yes, yes, honey lamb, don’t fret. I buried the silver,’ said Miz Magnolia, soothingly.
    â€˜They’ll be hayer any minute,’ repeated Great Uncle Rochester. ‘We’ll fight to the last man.’
    â€˜You have no reason to discompose yourself,’ said Miz Magnolia. ‘I have a personal assurance from General Jackson they will not take Memphis.’
    â€˜Jackson?’ said Great Uncle Rochester with scorn. ‘I wouldn’t believe him if he told me I was Lincoln.’
    I felt this observation confused the issue somewhat.
    â€˜Well he told me,’ said Miz Magnolia, ‘and surely to heaven you trust me?’
    â€˜You didn’t tell me I was Lincoln,’ said Great Uncle Rochester with a sudden flash of perspicacity.
    Great Uncle Rochester, to my alarm, whirled the sabre in the air, caught it deftly by the blade and handed it to me hilt first.
    â€˜You take the first watch,’ he said. ‘Wake me at midnight or before if necessary.’
    â€˜You may rely on me, sir,’ I said.
    â€˜We must fight to the death,’ he said gravely, and stalked off into his room and slammed the door.
    â€˜Now we can go and inspect your room,’ said Miz Magnolia happily. ‘I would put that nasty sword thing under your bed if I were yew. Sometimes the cats make a lot of noise in the garden and it is a useful thing to throw.’
    Miz Magnolia minutely examined my room and found it to her satisfaction.
    â€˜Now,’ she said, ‘I must go and examine the hall.’
    â€˜The hall?’ I said, puzzled.
    â€˜The hall where yew are going to speak,’ she said. ‘If I don’t examine it there is always a disconambulation. There was one poor man who had all his slides in upside down. It was a very confused lecture.’
    â€˜I would prefer for that not to happen to me,’ I said, ‘if that can be avoided.’
    â€˜Yew just sit yourself in the living room,’ she said, ‘and have a nice drink of Coca-Cola. I’ll be back directly.’
    So I sat in the living room with a weak bourbon and read the local paper. Suddenly, a small, rotund old lady with vivid blue hair made her appearance on the stairs, wearing a voluminous green dressing gown so covered in cigarette burns it looked as though it was made of lace. Humming to herself she descended the stairs and gave a yelp of fright as I got to my feet and she saw me.
    â€˜Mercy me!’ she squeaked, holding her clasped hands to her ample bosom.
    â€˜I’m sorry if I startled you,’ I said. ‘My name’s Durrell and I’m staying here.’
    â€˜Oh, you’re the Englishman who’s come to lecture us,’ she said, smiling. ‘Ah’m so glad to meet you. Ah’m Great Aunt Dorinda.’
    â€˜A great pleasure, madam,’ I said.
    â€˜Ah just came down for a Coca-Cola,’ she said, floating across to the drinks cabinet. She sniffed all the Coca-Cola bottles until she found one to her liking.
    â€˜Ah’ll just take it upstairs,’ she said. ‘Ah’m so sorry mah husband Mr Rochester is not here at the moment, but he’s out fighting the war — such a noisy business. But he’ll be back directly when he’s won it. Ah’m not sure how long it will take. Ah don’t really know very much about these masculine pursuits, but it seems to make them happy and that’s the main thing, don’t yew think?’
    â€˜Indeed I do, madam,’ I said.
    â€˜But as ah say, he’ll be back presently. Ah’m not sure when, of course. I believe some wars take longer than others,’ she said vaguely.
    â€˜So I am led to believe,’ I agreed.
    â€˜Well, do make yourself at home,’ she said and giving me a shy smile and clutching