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step, putting all her strength behind her decision. She couldn’t see him anymore, but she felt him behind her, his blue eyes probably now filled with tears.
     
    Jilly reached the step, looked up and saw the driver, a bored expression on his craggy face. She hesitated. Fuck. She stepped onto the first step, and was carried the rest of the way up by the impatient passengers. She pushed her way to the middle of the bus and found a seat, dropping her bag on the floor. Shit. I should have sat on the other side. She could see Gregg, still standing where she left him. His shoulders drooped and, although he still watched her, she could see grief etched into his face.
     
    Don’t do this to me! Jilly watched Gregg while the bus filled and people chatted with their seat mates. She had the row to herself, as if she had a communicable disease. In that moment, Jilly knew if she went through with her decision it would be over for them. Gregg would never get past her discarding their child. Their five-year relationship ended now.
     
    Before she could think further, Jilly grabbed her bag and marched back down the aisle. She hesitated at the top of the steps, feeling every look from the passengers boring into her back. Gregg’s hopeful smile pulled her the rest of the way to his side.
     
    “I love you,” he said.
     
    Jilly turned and threw up into the bushes beside him.
     

     
    She watched as her husband served up her eggs and bacon. She knew without him saying that he’d taken the day off work. He had done it before and would again. He knew when she needed him. I wonder if Gregg will ever tire of me.
     
    The eggs were perfect. Gregg enjoyed cooking and had natural talent. Another thing he was better at. Jilly stared at her breakfast, tears pooling. She blinked them away before looking up again. All the good things about Gregg only made Jilly’s flaws stand out in stark relief. How can you both love and hate someone at the same time?
     
    Mamma did.
     
    Jilly’s throat closed, the bite of egg stuck halfway. Mamma said she loved me but she also hated me. She didn’t have to say it. It showed. She forced the egg down and placed her fork on her plate. She reached for her glass of orange juice and downed it, then pushed her plate away. She could feel Gregg watching her, but he didn’t say anything. As usual, Matthew’s chatter filled the quiet where her words should have been. Gregg put down his own fork and started clearing the table. Jilly should have helped, but her hands stayed limp in her lap. What is wrong with me?
     

     

Chapter 4

    Matthew answered the door and dragged Anna inside. "Auntie, quick, come see what I built."  
     
    Jilly barely glanced at her when normally they would have laughed together at Matthew always commandeering his aunt the minute she showed up at the house, as though she only ever came to see him. Anna followed the little boy, heart heavy with thoughts of Jilly’s pain. She’d guessed that Jilly would stay home from work. Anna had a deadline for a piece for tomorrow’s paper, but she had it mostly written. Her sister needed her, though, and that was more important.
     
    Gregg had tucked Jilly into bed the minute they’d gotten her home the night before. Anna had hovered, feeling useless in the face of Gregg’s competence. They talked for a few minutes, but his ashen face told her she needed to go home. She wouldn’t let him drive her, instead she walked the two kilometers in her heels and red dress. Her feet were still sore where she’d gotten a few blisters from the new shoes. She did a lot of thinking on that walk.
     
    Anna settled onto the floor in Matthew's room and listened to his explanation of how he built his many-winged and storied Lego house. She let her gaze wander, all the while giving him the expected responses to his monologue.  
     
    Matthew's room was a little boy's haven. It was all done in red and blue, Spiderman colors, his favorite. He had several figurines from