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craziness. Ironically, there are more books being published on marriage today than ever before. There are books on marital communication, money management, sex, etc. There are even books on how to become a better husband (or wife) in thirty days! But with all our knowledge, the craziness continues. And it doesn’t seem to matter if the couples are Christians or unbelievers. Why? I have concluded that those of us in the church, who believe we have the Truth, are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored or perhaps simply gone unnoticed when it has been there all the time right under our noses!
    Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says.
    WHY DO COUPLES COMMUNICATE IN CODE?
    Communication in marriage has been described, discussed, and dissected in hundreds, if not thousands, of books and articles. Why is communication between husbands and wives such a problem? It goes back to the fact that we send each other messages in “code,” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.
    Let’s see how this plays out at home as a couple is getting dressed to start the day.
    She says, “I have nothing to wear.” (She means, she has nothing new .)
    He says, “I have nothing to wear.” (He means, he has nothing clean .)
    There is no serious danger of conflict here, but the “nothing to wear” line illustrates that we all see things out of our own needs and perceptions. Just the other day, I was working on my computer and Sarah had the radio on in the next room. It was some kind of talk show and just loud enough to derail my train of thought. I yelled to her, “Are you listening to that?” There was no reply. I yelled again, “Are you listening to that?” Still no answer. Finally, I yelled louder, “Are you listening to the radio?!” She yelled back, “I have been trying to listen, but you keep interrupting!”
    This created a two-minute exchange that almost turned into a serious argument. It seems Sarah was irritated with me because she hadn’t even noticed the radio—she was busy with something else. But she thought I had called to her because there was something on this talk show that I really wanted her to hear. Of course, my real intention was that she turn off the radio if she wasn’t really listening to it. So I was irritated with her because she hadn’t understood me.
    Finally, it came to me that I hadn’t been very clear about what I had meant, and yelling at her three times wasn’t too loving either. So I apologized. I cite this little misunderstanding to point out that things like this can escalate, particularly if husband and wife are a bit upset with one another about something that happened the day before (or possibly just a few minutes ago). In other cases, couples may be experiencing long-term tension, which can escalate when fed by a simple miscommunication.
    At a certain point, the issue isn’t about turning off the radio, or whatever the miscommunication may be. The wife can get irked with the husband because he isn’t being sensitive, something that most wives always anticipate or expect. In less than a minute, the wife can start feeling unloved and accuse her husband of being unloving. Meanwhile, the husband can get displeased with the wife when she starts talking to him as if he’s insensitive. He starts reciting the mantra of many husbands: “I can never be good enough.” The husband is feeling disrespected or at least unfairly criticized—again. A tiny spark in a dry forest can quickly catch fire, and if a couple doesn’t know how to put it out, it can