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grow into a serious conflagration.
    “WHEN THE ISSUE ISN’T THE ISSUE”
    In almost every case, the issue that seems to be the cause of the craziness is not the real issue at all. Do you ever get into a conflict with your spouse but you aren’t sure why? You see your spouse deflate or bristle or go cold, and then you think, What is wrong here? What’s happening? Typically, you write it off by saying, “If only she weren’t so touchy” or, “If only he weren’t so childish.” Of course, if you are the one who is offended, that’s different. Your spouse is guilty of stepping on your toes—again.
    Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message. When the wife felt unloved because she got a birthday card for her tenth anniversary, it did not mean that the husband was sending her a message saying, “I really don’t care about you or love you.” At the same time, when his wife reacted in an angry and disrespectful way, that did not mean her message was, “I don’t respect you any farther than I can throw you.”
    When the traveling businessman came home expecting to be sexually intimate and his wife was unresponsive, the message she was sending was not, “I don’t respect you or your needs.” And the husband may have become moody or upset, but he was not signaling that he did not love her. Often, we focus on our own needs and simply overlook the needs of the other person. The wife needs love; she is not trying to be disrespectful. The husband needs respect; he is not trying to be unloving. Once you grasp this basic principle—that the “issue” is not the real issue at all—you are on your way to cracking the communication code.
    WE’RE AS DIFFERENT AS PINK AND BLUE
    When the issue isn’t the real issue, it is crucial to understand that one thing is going on in the spirit of the wife and an entirely different thing is going on in the spirit of the husband. The opening chapters of Genesis tell us God created them male and female. That’s hardly news. But what it underlines is that men and women are very different. For example, Peter notes that difference when he instructs husbands to treat wives in a very specific way “ since she is a woman” (1 Peter 3:7; italics mine).
    Matthew 19:4 tells us “the Creator ‘made them male and female’ ”(NIRV); in other words, very different.
    The way I like to picture the difference between men and women is that the woman looks at the world through pink sunglasses that color all she sees. The man, however, looks at the world through blue sunglasses that color all he sees. Men and women can look at precisely the same situation and see life much differently. Inevitably, their pink and blue lenses cause their interpretation of things to be at odds to some degree.
    Not only do men and women see differently, but they also hear differently. To carry the pink and blue analogy a little further, God created men with blue hearing aids and women with pink hearing aids. They may hear the same words but get much different messages (as in, “I have nothing to wear!”). Because men and women have sunglasses and hearing aids in different colors, they send each other messages in different codes.
    When the spirit of your wife deflates before your eyes, and you suddenly sense an issue, she’s sending a code. Of course, if there were a thousand women watching and listening, wearing their pink sunglasses and pink hearing aids, they would quickly say, “Well, I know why that sweet little thing is shutting down on him. She’s so sweet and tender. I can’t believe it; look at how he’s talking to her.” To women, the code is obvious as they decipher the message through pink sunglasses and pink hearing aids. No wonder they often think, Men are so brain dead. They have two brains—one’s lost and the other is out looking for it!
    But turn it around. When the wife sees the spirit of her husband deflate, or he gets angry and