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heart of the matter.
    Let’s look at money as an example. Suppose you decide that having money is a value for you. Ask yourself this: “When I have money, what will it bring me?” If you can answer that question with something other than money, then money itself is not an essential value. Look deeper.
    You might say that money will bring you a house, a new car, travel, education for your kids, or something else. When you have one of those commodities, what will that bring you?
    We’re asking you to be a bit more serious and even rigorous about asking these questions. Your answers will probably surprise you—and please you, too.
    For instance, if you say you want money so you can have a new house, and then you ask, “If I could have that new house, what would that bring me?” you might answer “security for my family,” “peace of mind,” or “prestige.” Now you’re getting down to essential stuff, the stuff that dreams and happiness are made of. What’s fascinating is that money itself is rarely—perhaps never—a truly essential value. Nobody really wants the Midas touch, but many of us do want freedom, adventure, fun, recognition, appreciation, belonging, independence, creativity, and so forth.
    Now make a list of the top five values you have in your life, and keep asking yourself clarifying questions until you have no more answers and have gotten down to the essence of each value.
    Value 1
    Value 2
    Value 3
    Value 4
    Value 5
    More often than not, you won’t be able to come up with these values by yourself. You may want to do this exercise with someone else and have him or her ask questions to flush out the essence of your values.
    Plato wrote, “The truth is revealed in dialogue.” We believe that the truth is revealed through scripture, prayer, and dialogue. Dialogue is an important element.
    Peter’s business has him talking to lots of people about their values. He doesn’t ask right out, “So, Joan, what are your essential values?,” because most people wouldn’t know how to answer that. Instead, he asks about where Joan lives, what she thinks about and feels, and what (if anything) she’d like to be different in her life. He asks about her family, her work, and what she does for fun, including hobbies.
    Sometimes, if Peter is feeling particularly close to the person—and decidedly brave in that moment—he’ll ask the most powerful and profound question of all time: “Joan, are you happy?”
    Be careful with this one. Some people consider it an intrusion. Others will get so distraught that they will “disappear from view,” even though they’re still sitting right in front of you. It’s not a good question to ask at a party, but if you are sincerely interested in a person, and you really want to know, fast, what’s important to him or her, ask it. Then listen.
    Two things will happen. First, you will learn things about people that they probably haven’t shared with anyone else. You will know these people in a way that is actually closer than the way most of their friends and relatives know them.
    Second, you’ll probably make some good friends. Here is a story from Richard Brooke, CEO and president of Oxyfresh USA, that illustrates what we mean:
    A psychologist once did a research project that required him to fly from New York to Los Angeles. His task was to sit next to another passenger and engage that person in six hours of conversation, never once making a declarative statement about himself. He was only to ask the other person questions.
    When the plane landed, the psychologist had a team of his people there in the airport, ready to interview his fellow passenger. What they found was that the man with whom the psychologist had just spent the entire coast-to-coast trip had only two things to say: (1) “That man? The one sitting next to me? Yes—he is the most interesting person I’ve ever met!” and (2) “His name? Gosh—now that you mention it, I didn’t get the fellow’s