fails. One young sailor from Piscataway, three days out of Kandahar, stuffed the exhaust pipes of his Trans-Am with stolen copies of We Salute Youâ s and slipped the surly bonds in the Washington Crossing State Park parking lotâa note taped to the steering wheel saying âHereâs the future. Get ready for it.â Thereâs nothing you can do when someoneâs ready to go, though possibly a handshake didnât hurt.
M Y CAR CLOCK NOW SAYS ELEVEN FIFTEEN . T HE striper guy is stowing his gear in his bucket and notching his hook to his rod handle. The tideâs come in. Heâs fished with his back to the mayhem ashore as if it wasnât there.
The tiny, distant beach figures with the trotting dog alongside have come clearly into view. They turn out to bethe Glucks, unsociable neighbors from when I lived here. Arthurâs a defrocked Rutgers professor (plagiarismâthe usual âoverlookingsâ and âcarelessnessesâ). Heâs trudgering along with his plump wife, Allie Ann, and an all-but-immobilized, low-riding fat brown dog Iâd have sworn they had ten years ago, which would make it eighteen. âPoot.â The Glucks, who must be in their late eighties, are preserved not much better than their dog and are walking with old-age difficulty along the tide-narrowed beach, arms looped, chins lowered, dressed like Eskimos, leaning into each other so that they look like one lumpy human package. Are they here, I wonder, to survey the ruins? Their house has vanished. Or did they get away (like me) and buy into staged-retirement in Somerville that buses them to the Whole Foods, keeps Columbia-trained M.D.s onsite 24/7, and lets them keep their â95 Electra âtil the State takes the keys. Iâd rather jump in my watery basement hole than talk to them. What rueful recognitions would glint in their beady eyes? âOh, yes of course, Mr. Bascombe. Of course, of course, OF COURSE!â How many old acquaintances, neighbors, former teachers, fellow marines have we all caught a glimpse of in an unexpected place and dived in an alley rather than face for a second? All because: (1) We donât want to; (2) Thereâs too much unsaid that doesnât need to be saidâa Chinese wall of words that would fall on top of us and weâd die; (3) We know others feelthe very same way about us . Weâre, most of us, the last persons anyone in his right mind wants to talk to on any given day, including Christmas.
I ease down in my seat and raise my window in case the Glucks see me. But they donât so much as glance at my car, parked fifty meters from where their house once staunchly stood. They plod along the empty beach like specters, their dog at their knees. Where would they be going but back into the fog?
And then all of a sudden, I donât want to be here anymoreâat all. Whatever inland protections Iâve come armed with have worn away and rendered meâa target. Of loss. Of sadness. The thing I didnât want to be and explicitly why I havenât ventured down here in these last weeks, and shouldnât have now. I have these sensations more than I like to admit, since they make me feel that something bad is closing inâlike the advance of a shadow across a square of playground grass where I happen to be standing. When the shadow covers the last grass blade, the air goes suddenly chill and still, and all is up for me. Which will ultimately be only true. So whoâd blame me for feeling it now, and here?
But Iâm ready to cease and desist. Being here makes me feel guilty-without-context. Like being present when someone you know, but donât know well, all at once falls into a pit of despair and starts blubbering, and you canât do anythingexcept wish the hell he or she would stop. I feel not a straw of blame for anything hereabouts, yet somehow feel implicated by everythingâs dilapidation and sad future. This is more