the dining table, she sinks down onto the sofa. She hands a glass to me as well. When I take it from her, my fingers brush hers.
“… This seems like expensive wine.”
“Hmm … Does it?”
I begin to feel uncomfortable, so I take out a cigarette. But she murmurs, “No smoking.”
“… Sorry.”
“No. There’s no need to apologize.”
She withdraws a cigarette from her own cigarette case and lights it. She smiles as she looks at me.
“It’s okay for me to. But not for you.”
There is a curtain drawn at the back of the room. I figure her bedroom must be on the other side. I take a sip of wine. The warmth of the alcohol spreads through my body.
“… Kiharazaka’s photo, from a long time ago.”
“Yes, I have it.”
She places an envelope on the low table. She takes out the contents. It is an old photo. A photo of two children.
“… There’s a resemblance.”
“To what?”
“To each other.”
A thin boy and girl are sitting on a bench in a park. The girl is looking somewhere off in the distance, and the boy is looking at the girl. Both of them wear vulnerable expressions. They seem as though they have been mistakenly left behind in the world. The girl has on a dress, and the boy wears a white T-shirt over blue shorts.
“Who took this photo?”
“Someone from the institution … I couldn’t throw it away.”
“It’s a nice photo.”
“Isn’t it? But you can’t put it in the book.”
She takes a sip of wine. I realize that she must have been drunk before I got there.
“… Do you want a cigarette?”
“… No.”
“I see. Well, you can’t smoke.”
She smiles.
“Actually, there is another photo … Yudai sent it to me a while ago. I think he had kept it to himself, this photo of me … I was very surprised.”
“Where is that photo?”
“No,” she says. “I won’t show it to you. I hate that photo. It reveals my true nature … Ruthlessly.”
“Your true nature?… What do you mean?”
“Well …”
She stares at me. With concern. But as if she is trying to draw me in. Softly, she begins to speak.
“You’ve been giving me that look all along.”
I catch my breath. My heart starts to race.
“… What look?”
“Longing. Like you want me … You ask a lot of questions for a coward.”
She settles more deeply into the sofa. Distancing herself a bit from me. Her legs are uncrossed. Gently she smoothes the hem of her skirt.
“Ever since you first saw me … Possibly ever since you first saw my photo. What kinds of things have you been thinking about? Having your way with me, in your own mind?”
“… Have I bothered you?”
“Another question.”
She reaches toward the envelope that is on the table. I grasp her hand. Her cold, slender fingers. She parts her lips.
“But you have someone special … Yukie.”
Instinctively I look at her.
“How do you know that?”
She smiles as she pulls her hand away.
“I investigated. Didn’t you, too? Wouldn’t it be unfair if I were the only one being scrutinized? You shouldn’t be looking at me that way when you have such a special person in your life.”
She keeps looking at me. With concern. Under her blouse, an orange bra shows through.
“… It’s over with her.”
“You’re a bad liar. Bad liars bore me.”
She stands up.
“But anyway, you can’t handle this. I would require a much bigger commitment from you.”
“… What do you mean?”
“Well … It would be bold of you even just to imagine it. Isn’t that right?”
She looks at me with concern again. Then she turns her back on me and walks toward the curtain at the back.
“… Please leave now. I’m going into the bedroom to change.”
She turns around.
“… Or would you force your way into my bedroom?”
She smiles as she says this. I am badly shaken, and she is watching me with pity.
“… Would you grab me while I was changing, strip me, hold me down while I resisted, and make love
Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni