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calls you Joey twice—
    A: Charlie Banks calls me “Kid.” I hate it when he does that.
    Q: Then why don’t you tell him so?
    A: Because.
    Q: Because why?
    A: Just because.

    Q: What do you see?
    A: C-Crosley Field in Cincinnati. The game where Charlie hit two grand slams in a row. W-we all waited for him at the plate after the second one and then jumped on him when he got there. But—but I was the only one he hugged back. M-my Dad calls him a loser. How come I don’t believe him anymore?
    Q: We can stop now, Joey. Do you have a handkerchief?
    A: N-no.
    Q: Here. Use mine.
    A: Thanks.
    Q: Know what I see?
    A: What?
    Q: A Rorschach blot.
    A: You mean I was right ?
    Q: I’m beginning to wonder….

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    Man About Town
    by Winchell
    Merman Kayos MacKay
    The latest shot in the Ethel Merman-Hazel MacKay feud was fired yesterday when the Merm snapped up the title role in Cole Porter’s new tuner Panama Hattie , checking in at the 46th Street in October. According to the rumor mill, the part was scripted with MacKay in mind when Broadway wags predicted that Merman’s current wow, DuBarry Was a Lady , might run into next season.
    Battle lines were first drawn four years ago when MacKay landed a small role in Merm’s Red, Hot and Blue! , held a high C for sixteen bars, and the walls came a-tumblin’ down. By the next a.m., the boys on the aisle had dubbed her “the new Ethel Merman.” The old one didn’t agree.
    â€œI’ve got nothing against her,” said Eth at the Stork Club shortly after MacKay was fired. “She’s a talented dame.”
    Meanwhile MacKay—who’s not a fiery-tempered redhead for nuttin’—continues her engagement with the Benny Goodman Orchestra at the posh Manhattan bistro Tuxedo Junction. Her on-again/off-again romance with New York Giants rookie sensashe Charlie Banks appears to be back on track—at least for now. Can we blame her? Sech muscles!
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    Miss Hazel MacKay
    c/o Tuxedo Junction
    5 West 49th Street
    New York, New York
    Dear Miss MacKay,
    I am a 12-year-old boy and I have gangreen in both of my legs. I used to play third base like my hero Charlie Banks, but if they have to amputate I will only be 2½ feet tall and nobody will ever let me near an infield again.
    The reason I am writing to you is really two reasons.
I wrote to Charlie Banks at his house on Riverside Drive (Mayor LaGuardia got me the address when he visited me in the hospital) and I asked him if he could hit a home run for me the way Babe Ruth used to do. Well I guess he thought I was a fibber or something because when he wrote me back he called me a “little pisser” and told me never to write to him again.
The other reason is because when my fever came down to 105°, the first thing I heard was you singing “Give Him The Ooh-La-La” on the radio. So you are good luck to me.
    Miss MacKay, I do not want to lose my legs. Since Charlie Banks doesn’t like me very much, could you instead sing a song for me the next time you are on the Chase and Sanborn Hour? It would make me so happy.
    Your friend,
    Joey Margolis
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    Dear Chiseler,
    Look up in your dictionary the word cheat. Next to it you will probably find a picture of your face. Also swindler and phony and double-crosser and blackmaler and fake.
    One thing you better wise up to PDQ (pretty fuckin quick) is that you don’t ever get something you don’t earn just on account of asking. And earning it takes alot more than making up some load of crap about dying or getting snot in your eyes or whatever the Hell. Ask that Noodlemouth in the White House. He wanted something for nothing too. Just because everybody felt sorry for him from polio and his brother or somebody was Theodore. Know where he was headed for? Nowhere. And he would of gotten there safe and sound too, if it wasn’t for his wife. On account of she was the one who nearly killed herself