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like a brick.’
    â€˜Yes, but he once got lost in his own bedroom,’ said the Dean, thumbing through another book. ‘They found him in the wardrobe.’
    â€˜I wonder if it’s the same Gert?’ said the Bursar.
    â€˜Could be, Bursar,’ said Ridcully. He nodded at the other wizards. ‘No one’s to let him have any sugar or fruit.’
    For a while there was no sound but the splash of water behind the door, the turning of pages and the Bursar’s randomized humming.
    â€˜According to this note in Wasport’s Lives of the Very Dull People ,’ said the Senior Wrangler, squinting at the tiny script, ‘he met an old fisherman who said in that country the bark fell off the trees in the winter and the leaves stayed on.’
    â€˜Yes, but they always make up that sort of thing,’ said Ridcully. ‘Otherwise it’s too boring. It’s no good coming home and just saying you were shipwrecked for two years and ate winkles, is it? You have to put in a lot of daft stuff about men who go around on one big foot and The Land of Giant Plum Puddings and nursery rubbish like that.’
    â€˜My word!’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes, who had been engrossed in a volume at the other end of the table. ‘It says here that the people on the island of Slakki wear no clothes at all and the women are of unsurpassed beauty.’
    â€˜That sounds quite dreadful,’ said the Chair of Indefinite Studies primly.
    â€˜There are several woodcuts.’
    â€˜I’m sure none of us wish to know that,’ said Ridcully. He looked around at the rest of the wizards and repeated, in a louder voice, ‘I said I’m sure none of us wish to know that . Dean? Come right back here and pick up your chair!’
    â€˜There’s a mention of EcksEcksEcksEcks in Wrencher’s Snakes of All Nations ,’ said the Chair of Indefinite Studies. ‘It says the continent has very few poisonous snakes . . . Oh, there’s a footnote.’ His finger went down the page. ‘It says, “Most of them have been killed by the spiders.” How very odd.’
    â€˜Oh,’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes. ‘It also says here that “ The denizens of Purdee Island also existeth inne a State of Nature ”’ – he struggled with the ancient handwriting – ‘“ yette is in Fine Healthe & of Good Bearing & Stature & is Trulee a . . . knobbly Savage . . .”’
    â€˜Let me have a look at that,’ said Ridcully. The book was passed down the table. The Archchancellor scowled.
    â€˜It’s written “knoble”,’ he said. ‘ Noble savage. Means you . . . act like a gentleman, don’tcher-know . . .’
    â€˜What . . . go fox-hunting, bow to ladies, don’t pay your tailor . . . That sort of thing?’
    â€˜Shouldn’t think that chap owes his tailor very much,’ said Ridcully, looking at the accompanying illustration. ‘All right, chaps, let’s see what else we can find . . .’
    â€˜He’s having rather a long bath, isn’t he?’ said the Dean, after a while. ‘I mean, I like to be aswell scrubbed as the next man, but we’re talking serious prunes here.’
    â€˜Sounds like he’s sloshing about,’ said the Senior Wrangler.
    â€˜Sounds like the seaside,’ said the Bursar happily.
    â€˜Try to keep up, will you, Bursar?’ said Ridcully wearily.
    â€˜Actually . . .’ said the Senior Wrangler, ‘there is a certain seagully component, now that you mention it . . .’
    Ridcully stood up, strode over to the bathroom door and held up his fist to knock.
    â€˜I am the Archchancellor,’ he grumbled, lowering it. ‘I can open any doors I damn well please.’ And he turned the handle.
    â€˜There,’ he said, as the door swung back. ‘See, gentlemen? A perfectly ordinary bathroom. Stone bath, brass taps, bath cap,