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the same room, butcher them all, but keep the bones. Roast the bones for the stock. Make the stock, and I’d say go heavy on the root vegetables and the onions, because you want that sweetness in there, it being a kind of tough, gamey chicken. So when you’re braising this thing, you’re going to put in the stock, white wine, then throw in a lot of dried fruits and other things that will add sweetness and complexity to the flavor. To mask some of that maligno-ness. They are, in fact, infused with Evil, so you can —
    Ann: Infused with Evil? I kind of wonder how Evil would taste?
    Duff: Evil is probably kind of like the inside shell of a walnut. I mean if I was going to say what does Evil taste like, I would say walnut shells. Just that really bitter, astringent thing that makes you make a face. Makes your mouth itch. You know what I mean? That little skin inside a walnut you peel off. I’m making evil sounds just talking about it.
    Ann: Evil Monkey would probably taste like that, too.
    Duff: Monkeys are not kosher, but here’s the thing — if Evil Monkey was served in a Chinese restaurant, anything that’s served in a Chinese restaurant is kosher, even pork. So, if Evil Monkey was prepared in a Chinese restaurant, you’re safe I’d say.
    Ann: Especially if served on Christmas.
    Duff: Right — yeah, if it’s served on Christmas, anything goes. Swing for the fences. Anything goes. Here’s the thing: I think that if you’re going to deal in mythical creatures, there’s definitely some rules you’ll have to relax a little bit. You just have to. If the laws of kashrut are written with these animals in mind, things might be a little different. Like a Tribble, from Star Trek . Well, you know, what is it? It’s a testicle with fur on it. Let’s be honest. Is that kosher?
    Ann: Well, some testicles are kosher, right?
    Duff: Like Rocky Mountain Oysters?
    Ann: Bull testicles? I think if the animal it comes from is kosher, then. . .
    Duff: I would assume that if Rocky Mountain Oysters are kosher, then Tribbles are kosher. Just furry testicles. There you go. There’s another one.
    Ann: How would you cook something like that?
    Duff: You remove the fur first. Then you steam it, because when you get hit in the nuts, the reason it hurts so bad is because your nuts try to swell. There’s a very tight skin around each testicle and so when they swell, they can’t swell and so it’s like. . .it’s painful. So what you gotta do is steam it a little bit. Gently. Take a knife and make a little cross in the one end of the testicle. Steam it for about thirty seconds or so. Peel that off. Then cut it up in about fifteen pieces or so and just straight-up deep fry that thing. Deep fry it and serve it.
    Ann: Like popcorn shrimp.
    Duff: A bed of greens would be nice. You could do a Tribble Po’boy — that would be really good.
    Ann: Almost like they’re fried clams.
    Duff: Yeah, totally. That’s basically what you’re eating. Just chunks of fried meat — and they’re very tender by then. Tribbles would definitely be tender. Their lifespan is, I think, just a few hours. So they don’t live long enough to get tough. To drink with that, I think the preferred drink of choice, with say a fried Tribble platter, would be Yeungling or AmberBock. A good American lager. There’s a great brew right here in Baltimore called Resurrection Ale. It gets you wasted. A really good beer, and it’ll knock you out. So I’d say Resurrection Ale from The Brewer’s Art here in Baltimore would be the beer of choice with a deep-fried Tribble. You’ll want to dip it in mayonnaise, too, for sure.
    Ann: Do you think any of the creatures Clive Barker has created are kosher?
    Duff: Let’s think about it. Let’s go through Imajica . There was a monkey thing that lived in the attic that is definitely not kosher. The ones that resemble llamas — a good chance they’re kosher. He doesn’t really go into too much detail about many of the fish