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secluded place. It is not a time to get physical. Not yet. It is a time to get emotionally connected. He wants to be with her, to see her, and to hear her talk. He wants to get to know her. He admires her beauty, but it’s not only about her physical beauty here. He desires to know her more deeply as a person. This is a time to focus on her and listen to her.
    Wouldn’t every wife love to have her husband do what Solomon is doing here? Wouldn’t your wife be thrilled with this kind of a private conversation time in your home? You’d better believe she would!

Talk This Way
    Schedule at least four thirty-minute couple talks per week. Sit down every weekend and schedule these talk times. Schedule two weeks ahead if necessary. If you can get more than four a week, great. But get at least four. (For help in learning how to talk to each other, see my book, Cinderella Meets the Caveman .)
    Here are some specific how-tos for your couple talk times:
    When
    The time of day doesn’t matter. You can talk in the morning, midday, or in the evening. If you talk in the evening, do it as early in the evening as possible. You need to talk when you’re still fairly fresh and have some brain cells operating. Don’t try to communicate at the end of the evening when you both are tired.
    Get your crumb-crunching black holes—um, kids—to bed or out of your hair, so you can have complete privacy. I know you love your kids. God loves your kids. The whole world loves your kids. But you need to remove them from your presence so you can build intimacy in your talk times.
    Kids are never mentioned in the Song. You want to know why? Because where kids are, romance and passion die! That’s why! Your marriage is your number one human priority in life, and you need kid-free talk times.
    Where
    Choose a talking place in your home that is private and quiet. You are creating an oasis in the middle of your busy, stressful lives. It’s an escape into your relationship. No children, no television, no computer, no telephones—cell or any other kind—no pets, and no newspapers or magazines. No distractions. Period.
    Make your talking place warm, soft, and inviting. The ambience can make a real difference. You’re creating a mood. The deeper the mood, the deeper the conversation will be. Turn the lights down low, play some soothing music in the background, and have a candle or two burning.
    How
    Okay, you have your wonderful children in their rooms. You are sitting together in your talk time place. What now? I recommend you follow my five-step couple talk time plan. These five progressive steps will lead you gradually to intimacy. This plan has worked for Sandy and me for years. It has worked for hundreds of couples I’ve seen in my therapy office. It will work for you too.
    First step: Start with a brief prayer
     
    Take each other’s hands and say a short prayer: “Thank you, Lord, for giving us each other. Thank you for this time together. Please help us to open up and really connect in conversation. Amen.” That’s it. Thirty seconds, at the most. This prayer deepens the mood and invites God into the process.
    Second step: Read your couple’s devotional
     
    Read a page from a couple’s devotional and answer the questions at the end. It’s easy and a great conversation starter. Two excellent resources are the Dobsons’ Night Light , and the Raineys’ Moments Together for Couples . The devotional gets you warmed up and could trigger a stimulating conversation.
    Third step: What’s on your mind?
     
    Here, you each suggest daily living topics like, what happened today, work, family and friends, spiritual life, church, stresses, worries, and events that triggered strong emotions. You’re catching up on your lives and looking for a topic or two that show potential for more intimacy.
    When you find a promising topic, talk about it, and agree to continue talking about it at your next talk time. I call these “carry-over topics.” Talking