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am in a spaceship. Suddenly I don’t feel well.” Rene sat on one of the long, smooth, white benches. “Please don’t use one of those Martian anal probes on me.”
    “Now that’s disgusting. The elders used to do that but the people got all scatterbrained and weird. Of course those probes were huge and opened their assholes to the size of a coffee can. Just thinking about that makes my butt hurt.” Tommy scrunched his eyebrows together and continued. “Rene, we just want you to come to our planet. We’re not interested in your ass.”
    “Speak for yourself.” Jared piped in, winking at Rene.
    Sitting there, Rene was in shock. She was on a spaceship, leaving her own planet and had no idea what to do. The reality of the situation finally hit. Up ‘til now she had foolishly thought it was just fun and games.
    Jared sat beside her. “Don’t be scared. It’s not like we are from Mars or anything.”
    “Men are from Mars, women are from Venus is what I heard.” Tommy and Jared burst into laughter.
    Jared began to speak. “What moron said this? They are some really uptight aliens.
    They are all freaky and into bondage and short. About two feet tall with tiny sex organs and it is red everywhere. Picture pissed off pygmies with a bad attitude and small-cox virus. The guys from Mars are complete assholes.”
    “I’d think the assholes would live in Uranus.” Rene didn’t notice the stern glare from the guys.
    “The Venus part is more accurate. Venusian women are…well. Mmmmmm…” Jared closed his eyes for a brief moment of peace.
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    “You and your Venus trip.” Tommy snapped his fingers in front of Jared’s face. “He spends a year on Venus with three hundred thousand Venusian women and he is hooked for life.”
    “Sorry, everyone fondly remembers their first real love. The difference between a Venusian woman and Earth women is anatomy design. Venusian women have their pussy going across instead of front to back so when you spread their legs apart, it gets tighter.” Jared motioned like he was breaking a wishbone with his hands.
    Tommy interrupted. “They also have three breasts.”
    “Yeah, one for each hand and one for your mouth.” Jared began to laugh and Rene was not amused.
    She’d wanted an adventure and now it was on her doorstep. Just like a bag of dog poop lit on fire.
    “You guys don’t eat people, do you?”
    “Sometimes. If she asks for it.” Jared smiled and licked his lips.
    BINGO, hot flash.
    “Oh, quit it, Jared.”
    “Come here, Rene. I’ll give you a tour.” Tommy took her hand and led her out the sliding doors to a wide-open room.
    “WOW, this is…wow.” Rene stared as the main room was a vision of elegance and style.
    The main living room area had a burgundy-colored wraparound sectional couch.
    There was a very expensive Persian rug under the couch and angular coffee table. From anywhere on the couch you could see the enormous flat panel television hovering against the wall. The room was painted a very light peach color, accentuating the couch and cherry wood table.
    “Sonovabitch! Did you decorate this?” Rene looked over to Tommy.
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    “Yep, it’s all me.” He puffed his chest out proudly. “There are no damn windows on the ship except in the control area so I couldn’t do curtains. Oh, how I love curtains and wall coverings. But you can’t hang anything on terilium metal so I got screwed.” They walked away from the living room and toward a hallway.
    “Over here is the bathroom.” Tommy pushed open the blue door to the right.
    “Dammit, Jared, you left the seat up again.”
    Peeking inside Rene saw marble everywhere. It had a tropical theme with blues and splashes of bright colors on the walls.
    “This is the sleeping chamber past this wall. We have a kitchen-type area with dehydrated food—it’s opposite the sleeping area. Most foods only take a few minutes to make. I’ll show you sometime. I can make a killer