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marrying. It’s a time when things are fresh and everyone is optimistic. That optimism and hope kind of drove me to make some of the choices I made in my life. But my choices should not reflect badly on the people I chose to be with. It really was, and is, all me—which is why I just don’t get married anymore.
    The only way I would want to be in a relationship at this point is if I could find someone who was willing to live in another state. Then I would see him when I wanted, and that would be perfect. That person is not out there for me right now, though.
    I’m good with that, even if it freaks a lot of people out.
    Relationships are by definition not just about you. There’s another person involved, and he or she has 50 percent of that relationship, and you’ve got to be able to transcend all the bullshit and work at it. This is something I’ve never been able to master, which is why I suck at relationships.
    I’m just being honest.
    I don’t suck so much now, because I
am
so honest with myself. I draw a line in the sand, which is basically, “If you come to me and who you are or who I’ve seen you to be isn’t comfortable for me, I am going to cut it off. Right now.” I am not going to wait three, four, five, six years. I am not going to try and pretend that I’m happy when I’m not or think I’m going to change or fix someone.
    When I was growing up, things were different. Womenwere raised to have their highest purpose in life be to get married, and that there was a cultural expectation that the man would work and pay for things while the woman had the babies and took care of the man and the house.
    Today, things have changed. But we haven’t caught up with all the changes. Look at the way things are now: Despite the fact that women make their own money, have their independence, and are exposed to so many ideas, you would think we’d think twice about this marriage thing and not still look at it as the ultimate goal. So many women still do, though, and we go into these marriages with expectations that don’t make sense, and that we don’t even articulate to one another. Both men and women do this.
    As they say, the more things change, the more they stay the same
    So when I say, “You’ve got to be up front,” I mean be up front with
yourself
. Also be up front with the other person. Don’t even think for a second, “Well, I can change him,” because you really can’t change people unless they are determined to change, or if they are already in the midst of changing. Otherwise, you are going to be disappointed, and then you’re mad, and the relationship is going south, and you’re still walking down the aisle.
    That’s not good. That’s a combustible situation.
    Before one of my weddings—I’m not saying which one—my mother pulled me aside and said, “Here are thecar keys. You know you don’t want to get married. Get in the car and leave.”
    Did I listen to her? The answer is no.
    I said, “We invited all these people to the wedding. I can’t just leave.”
    So I got married anyway, which makes me kind of an asshole, because I knew the truth, and I went around it.
    So I’m trying to help people not do that.
    Tell yourself what you want. Check your list. It may be that right now you just want to spend some time with yourself. Well, that’s okay, in spite of what your friends and family will tell you.
    It’s okay to be single.
    It’s okay to feel like you want to be by yourself for a while.
    Because the truth of the matter is—and don’t tell anybody I told you this—not everyone is meant to be married.
    Take me, for example. I am with other people most of my day, and I have a lot of stimulation from day to day. When I come home I want to relax, not interact with someone else or deal with his problems. I want some “me” time.
    Once I realized that my needs could be met by me, life got a lot easier. Then other people didn’t have to help me figure out what my life was. I