Read I Just Want My Pants Back for Free Online

They smoke in store, they yell.” He gave me back a couple of bucks.
    “I’m sorry. People suck,” I said, shrugging as if I had just imparted some grand piece of wisdom. I backed out of the deli. “Have a good night, Bobby, I’ll see you tomorrow.”
    “Good night, Boss.” Bobby smiled at me. “Do not vomit I hope!”
    I made my way up my three flights. I wondered how Melinda knew she wanted to be a playwright; it seemed like it must have been all she ever wanted to do. I wondered if the VP had found someone worthy—perhaps even scored an SVP—and was now contemplating a merger. I unlocked my door, washed my face, brushed my teeth, took three Advil, got into bed with my ginger ale and candy bar, and turned off the lights to be alone with my shame.
    I had just crumpled up the candy wrapper and thrown it onto the floor when I heard a text message come in. I was still sort of awake, so I shuffled over to the coffee table where I left the phone and checked it.

u up? janey

    I scratched my head and smiled. The clock on the microwave read 12:47. Sure, I could be up.

3
    Twenty minutes later I found myself in the women’s bathroom of Tom’s, some bar in Nolita, sharing a joint with Jane. She had been out for a while and had the slur to prove it. The second I walked in she dragged me by my hand to the ladies’ room, whispering, “C’mon handsome, let’s get high.” I was a bit taken aback at first—she was quite aggressive. She still wore the glasses but her hair was out from the pigtails and she looked pretty damn sexy in a short bright-blue skirt and a white wife-beater tank top. Her nipples, like the built-in thermometers in Perdue Oven Stuffer Roasters, were declaring, “Chicken’s ready!”
    Jane handed me the joint after taking a long pull, and before I could put it to my lips she put her mouth next to mine and blew the smoke in. It was a sexy move and Petey instantly improved his posture.
    “What’s your name again?” she, I hoped, joked.
    “Jason.” I sucked on the joint. “Some call me Adonis.”
    She giggled. “So who are you really, Jason? C’mon, you’re obviously not an orthodontist. What do you do in our city?”
    “I kiss girls in bathrooms.”
    We started to make out for a second, then she pulled away and squinted at me. “No, really, what do you do?” We stood a few feet from each other, in front of the sink. Someone pounded at the door, and we ignored it.
    “I work in casting, you know, for films and commercials and stuff.”
    “So, are you like a casting director?”
    “Kinda.” I scratched my nose. “Well, you know, I assist the director. And what about you? What exactly do you do?” I realized I had no idea.
    “I’m a buyer for a toy company. I source stuff from China and the Far East that we think we could sell here.” The knocking began again.
    “Oh, that sounds fun.”
    “Kinda.” She stubbed out the joint in the sink. “Well, now that that’s resolved…” She moved in and kissed me sloppily. Her hand trailed down my stomach and grabbed Petey through my pants. Instantly I was as hard as a left turn in Midtown. I slipped my hand up her skirt. No underwear. Or pubic hair, for that matter. What a difference a day made.
    “Not here,” she said suddenly, straightening her skirt. “Too cheesy.” Then she took my wet finger that had just been inside her and licked it sensuously. We opened the bathroom door and stepped out past a girl who glared at us.
    Miss Manners and I hopped into a cab and pointed it west toward my apartment. She had my jeans unbuttoned and her tongue in my mouth. A radio sports reporter jabbered at us through the lone rear speaker—the Knicks had lost again. Jane suddenly jerked away. “Hang on, what time is it?” she asked, looking up through the partition to the radio. “Shit, it’s almost two! I can’t go to your place. I’m sorry, I have to get up early tomorrow for a really big presentation I’m giving.”
    “Don’t worry,