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the culprit. But you can see their evidence is purely circumstantial, and you’re concerned that they’re mistreating Ella. You can’t keep quiet about it—you have to disagree with their stance.
    Anyone reasonable should welcome disagreement so long as it’s expressed in the right way. Yes, I know there are always a few people who aren’t reasonable, but at least you can make sure you’ve done your best, and anyone listening will think better of you for it. The key to disagreeing nicely is to disagree with what the person is saying, and not with the person herself. I know this sounds like a technicality, but it makes a lot of difference to how the other person responds.
    You want to avoid direct criticism of the person, so don’t say things like, “No!” or “You’re wrong” or “You’ve got the wrong end of the stick there.” Aim to comment on what she’s said, and express it as an opinion, however firm an opinion: “I don’t think that’s the way it works,” or “I’m pretty certain we’ll go adrift if we do that.” You see? You’re concentrating on their line of reasoning, not on them.

Control Yourself
    What is it that makes some people more difficult to deal with than others? I’ll tell you, and you’ll realize you already knew it really. The thing that gets in the way of making all interactions straightforward is emotion. Negative emotion to be specific. And the more extreme the emotion, the more it gets in the way. When the person you’re dealing with is angry, upset, nervous, hurt, disappointed, touchy, stressed, frustrated, resentful, anxious—that’s when it’s hardest to get the result you want.
    And guess what makes things twice as tricky? Yep, that’s right: when both of you are emotional. Two upset, angry, resentful, worried people will double your problems, if not worse. So the first thing you can do to ease those emotionally charged conversations is to make sure that you have your own emotions under control. Look, I’m not talking about whether your feelings are justified here, I’m just talking about how to actually get the result you want.
    Of course I know that isn’t always easy, but stay focused on what you want to achieve and recognize that keeping calm is the best way to achieve it, and that should help you to keep a lid on it. If you really can’t stay cool, just walk away until you can trust yourself with the conversation. There are plenty of ways to deal with other people’s emotions, but you’ll struggle to manage any of them until you have your own under control.

Express Yourself
    I just said that you need to control your emotions. But that doesn’t mean you can’t ever express how you feel. Just express it in words rather than by demonstration. Of course there are times when it’s important to let someone know that you’re disappointed, or angry, or hurt, or frustrated. They are more likely to give you what you want if they understand how you feel. However, it won’t help if you shout, or sulk, or burst into tears.
    The way to let someone know that you feel angry is blindingly simple. You say, “I feel angry.” That’s so much better than yelling at them. No one wants to help someone who intimidates them—or puts them down, or makes them feel small, or puts emotional pressure on them, or makes them feel uncomfortable. So don’t do those things to people if you want them on your side.
    In fact, to take it one step further, say “I feel angry when...” and then explain what the problem is. This phrase is handy because it’s not accusatory—you’re focusing on the other person’s behavior and not on them personally. No one wants to be told, “I feel angry because you’re being unreasonable/because you won’t listen/because you’re putting your interests first.” Much easier to hear, “I feel angry when I feel I’m not being heard/I feel my interests are being ignored.” It’s just a less confrontational, more constructive way to get the