Read How to Get Ahead in Television for Free Online

painful.
    â€˜I don’t know. Do we have to make something up?’ I whispered.
    â€˜Let’s say we’re married?’ Chris whispered back.
    â€˜No, no, let’s say we’re tennis partners or something…’ I hissed back, but I was too late. Magnus was already standing next to our podium, asking how Chris and I knew each other.
    â€˜Pam’s my wife,’ said Chris.
    The production team all laughed at the idea (Chris being a good thirty years older than me) and Chris puffed his chest out, pleased at having made a good joke.
    â€˜Ah, a spousal team,’ said Magnus. ‘Well, let’s see if your intimate knowledge of each other as a couple will help you in the quiz show arena. Now, without further ado, let’s get on with the game.’
    Magnus turned over the first page on the flip chart to reveal the words ‘Round One – The Middle East’. I started to feel hot under the bright studio lights. I hadn’t considered what this quiz might entail and I was starting to worry that this run-through might not go well for me. General knowledge was not my strong point. Current affairs were definitely not my strong point.
    â€˜For control of the first round: which city is the capital of Lebanon?’ Magnus asked.
    Chris’s hand shot up.
    â€˜Chris,’ said Magnus.
    â€˜Beirut.’
    â€˜Correct.’
    Oh, thank god Chris knew what he was doing. Hopefully I could just stand here and let him win this for us.
    â€˜Which means your team has won control of the round.’ Magnus went on, ‘I’ll now ask five questions on the Middle East, but only Pam will be able to answer.’
    Oh crap.
    â€˜Pam, who is the prime minister of Israel?’ asked Magnus. His huge grey eyebrows directed towards me, pressuring me with their bushiness.
    â€˜Um…’
    I have absolutely no idea.
    â€˜Just take a guess,’ Magnus prompted me.
    â€˜Um…’
    â€˜I need some kind of answer,’ said Magnus. ‘I’m afraid you can’t pass.’
    I really have no idea. I search my brain for a foreign-sounding name…
    â€˜Salman Rushdie?’
    There were peals of laughter from the crew.
    â€˜I’m afraid that’s not right, Pam, it’s Benjamin Netanyahu. That’s one point to Arnold and Rhidian’s team. Question two: name one of the key disputed territories in the Israel–Palestine dispute.’
    I wondered if I could fake a sudden illness or fainting fit? I had never wanted to be somewhere less in my life. Everyone would think I was an idiot for not knowing this stuff and I’d never work in TV again. It’s not that I’m really ill-informed, I’m just hopeless under pressure with anything involving fact retention.
    â€˜Um…’
    â€˜I’m going to need a guess, Pam, just one area…’
    I racked my brain for things I’d heard on the news. I was sure I must know this.
    â€˜Er, the South Bank?’
    There were more gleeful giggles from the crew.
    â€˜I think that would put the conflict quite close to home, Pam.’ Magnus looked at me as though I was a moronic child inhabiting a grown-up’s body.
    â€˜You could have had the Gaza Strip or the West Bank. That’s another point for Arnold and Rhidian’s team. Question three: name two of the five countries that currently share a border with Jordan?’
    Please, world, swallow me. Or just send a power-cut to help me. I’d be happy to accept a very minor heart attack to get me out of this.
    â€˜I’m going to have to hurry you,’ Magnus prompted me.
    â€˜Um, Iran?’
    â€˜No, I’m afraid not.’
    â€˜Afghanistan?’
    â€˜No.’
    â€˜Morocco?’
    More yelps of delight from the crew.
    â€˜Yemen?’
    Magnus sighed and turned to ask JR a question.
    â€˜In this kind of situation would we have a limit on how many guesses the contestant would get? I don’t