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that Van Buren’s schoolteachers are solely responsible for his shittiness. Looking at Van Buren’s handwriting, and reading accounts about the manfrom people who knew him, all signs point to the fact that he was most likely born left-handed. His schoolmasters, worried, perhaps, that Van Buren was a witch, would regularly beat him in the hand with a cane until he learned to write with his right hand. This lesson possibly informed everything about Van Buren, because it forced him to act in a way that was counter to what was right. Writing with his left hand felt right, but he had been conditioned to do the
opposite
of right (which, yes, troublingly, in this case means using his right hand). As a result of this conditioning, from that moment on, Van Buren was determined to, at every pass, do what was wrong. Or, for the purposes of this chapter, what was
shitty
.
    Early in his political career, Van Buren figured out how to exploit the game of politics. America was entering a political period wherein the people were really starting to shine, to step up and elect the candidates that
they
wanted, to show that power really
does
come from the people. Van Buren took a look at that promise and thought, “Oh, hey, I totally know how to cheat that.” Known as the “Little Magician” or the “Red Fox” for his ability to manipulate and mastermind elections (like foxes?), Van Buren formed the Albany Regency in 1822. The Albany Regency was what was called a “political machine”: a group of similarly shitty politicians who basically controlled all of New York government for over a decade. They didn’t control the government by being
elected
into power by the
people
in 1822; they got together to rig New York elections and place their friends and relatives in important positions of power. And Van Buren was their leader.
    Knowing that Van Buren understood how to game the political system as well as he did, it was no surprise that he would eventually become president. I should be clear, Martin Van Buren didn’t want to be a
good
president, he just wanted to
be
president, and enjoy himself while doing it. He wanted the attention, he wanted the power, he wanted the status, and that was it. There was only one issue about which he was passionate, and that was his stance on slavery (pro!). In his inaugural address, Van Buren said, “I must go into the Presidential chair the inflexible and uncompromising opponent of everyattempt on the part of Congress to abolish slavery in the District of Columbia,” an appropriate prelude to the presidency of shittiness that would soon follow.
    When not fighting Congress on slavery, Van Buren spent his time in the White House throwing fancy parties for his fancy friends and spending lots of money on furniture. As an ambassador to Great Britain (you know, that place America worked so hard to distance itself from), he fell in love with the parties and royal lifestyle (you know, that thing America worked so hard to make sure never corrupted its Democracy), and his autobiography is just page after page of name-dropping from this period. He wanted everyone to know how many famous royal people he met in England, and how many cool parties he’d been invited to.
    Martin Van Buren loved the fanciness and respectability of British royalty so much that he tried to bring it back with him to America. He spent a fortune redecorating the White House ($27,000 of which came from the American taxpayer, which would be just shy of $540,000 in today’s dollars) to make it a more appropriate home for the kind of aristocrat Van Buren wanted to be. Jackson was the people’s president, a man who invited the entire nation to get drunk with him to celebrate his presidency. His successor, meanwhile, turned the White House into a palace, with policemen stationed outside to make sure no “improper” people ever entered. He dressed like a big, shitty Mr. Fancypants who thinks he’s too good for us, too. Davy Crockett, a man