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them. Losing a duel isn’t like losing at soccer (unless your soccer league is really hardcore); you get shot and then you die. Between his dueling and his military career, Jackson had been shot so many times that scholars say he “
rattled like a bag of marbles
” when he walked, as a result of all of the never-removed bullets taking up residence in his body. The pieces of shrapnel that he carries around like internal medals of honor are about ten times larger than your balls and infinity times as armored.
    Of course, there is a possibility that he’ll choose to fight youwith his trademark hickory cane, in which case you will also lose. In 1835, a lunatic named Richard Lawrence made the first documented assassination attempt on a president’s life when he pulled a gun on Andrew Jackson. The gun misfired, so he pulled out a second gun,
which also misfired
. Later, upon inspection, both guns fired without error. Some historians blame the weather for the temporary misfiring, but it’s pretty clear that the bullets, having previously consulted the
other
bullets rattling around Jackson’s body, had no interest in getting involved with what would end up being a futile suicide mission, as every bullet knows that Jackson doesn’t believe in getting shot to death. When Jackson was tired of watching Lawrence pull out gun after terrified gun, he beat the shit out of Lawrence with his cane until presidential aides had to restrain
Jackson
.
    Jackson’s not just badass by presidential standards. He’s not just badass by
human
standards. He stacks up against John McClane and Shaft; the man is badass by
fictional hero standards
. He’s badass enough to be entirely made up, except he’s terrifyingly real and wants to kick your ass.
    Here is what you need to know about Andrew Jackson: he is a man followed by tragedy. He lost friends, family members, and his beloved wife, Rachel. He never remarried after Rachel passed (shortly before he took office), and so America became his replacement family. And this was one family Andrew Jackson was determined not to lose. He loved, lived, and worshipped America; it completed him. Additionally, as the first popularly elected president, Jackson saw himself as both the physical embodiment of America and its sworn protector. If Jackson was one thing in his life, it was extra-strength, shit-hurlingly crazy. But if he was
two
things, it was crazy and loyal. An attack on Jackson meant an attack on America, and if he thought someone wanted to hurt America, you’d better believe he’d react like a crazed father protecting his children (assuming most fathers are nuts and, instead of fearing death like normal people, actively challenge it to fights).
    Despite a legacy consisting of enough violence and death for twenty men, Jackson admitted to having two regrets on his deathbed:“I didn’t shoot Henry Clay and I didn’t murder John C. Calhoun.” In a life rich with murdering people for little-to-no reason, Jackson’s only regret was that he didn’t kill
quite enough people
. People like Calhoun, who, it should be noted, was Jackson’s vice president.
    No one is safe from Jackson’s wrath.

Martin Van Buren was a shitty guy. Not just because he was a bad president (though, yes, he was), and not just because he was pro-slavery (though, for the record, it is the stance of this book that slavery was and is wrong). Van Buren was shitty in a very general sort of way, and with all that that implies. If you were related to him, you’d dread Thanksgiving every year because you’d know
he
would be there, with his stupid stories and overbearing shittiness. If you saw him walking toward you, you’d cross to the other side of the street, out of fear that his aggressive and practiced shittiness would rub off on you. If you two went to high school together, you wouldn’t be friends with him. You’d be all “No, screw that guy, he’s so very shitty.”
    It is my personal and admittedly ridiculous theory