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My brain isn’t smooth like that. It’s more like a dark, rocky cave with words and thoughts hiding behind every boulder. And I’m in there searching around without a flashlight.
    â€œHank Zipzer, here’s what you’ve won for the parental unit: They’ll be picked up by limousine and driven in style to Philadelphia. They’ll get the red-carpet treatment backstage at the Theatre of Brotherly Love as they arrive for the Stone Cold Rock concert.”
    Wow. That sounded great. I wished I was going.
    â€œAt the concert, they’ll be treated to front-row seats, after which they’ll join the band for Philadelphia cheesesteaks, the city’s most famous sandwich.”
    My mouth was watering. I could almost taste that cheesesteak.
    â€œThe next day, they’ll ride back to New York City in luxury on the fully stocked band bus. And by the way, if they’re into tattoos, we’ll make a stop at our favorite tattoo artist, who will give them any design of their choice on any part of their body. How’s that sound?”
    â€œDo they have to do the tattoo part?” I asked. “My dad passes out when he has to get a flu shot at the doctor’s office.”
    Cousin Ralphie laughed. “You’re a funny dude, Hank,” he said. “Real zipperific.”
    Cousin Ralphie took my phone number and told me someone would call later to make all the arrangements. I thanked him about a hundred and fifty-eight times. He thought I was just thanking him for winning the trip. But I was really thanking him for making it possible for me to go on to the fifth grade.
    I hung up the phone and let out a big sigh of relief. For a split second, I had that wonderful floating feeling you get when all your problems are solved. But that feeling only lasted for a second. Maybe even less. Because right away I realized that problem number two was waiting for me in the living room.
    There was my dad, sitting in his blue boxer shorts, chewing on his mechanical pencil, hunched over his crossword puzzle, trying to come up with a synonym for an extinct rodent.
    How on Earth was I going to convince him that he really, really, really couldn’t live without going to see a Stone Cold Rock concert?
    This wasn’t going to be easy.

CHAPTER 9

TEN REASONS I COULD GIVE MY DAD TO MAKE HIM WANT TO GO TO THE CONCERT
    1. You could be in the Guinness Book of World Records for being the oldest person ever to attend a rock concert.
    2. You could be in the Guinness Book of World Records for being the most uncool person ever to attend a rock concert.
    3. You could be in the Guinness Book of World Records for being listed twice in the Guinness Book of World Records.
    4. You could see a rock concert and the Liberty Bell and Benjamin Franklin’s grave all on the same day.
    5. You could get a tattoo of a crossword puzzle on your upper arm muscle. (Oops, he doesn’t have an upper arm muscle.)
    6. You could get your mojo working. (I don’t know if that counts, because I have no idea what a “mojo” is.)
    7. You could bring back a whole bunch of souvenirs for Emily and me. That would make you feel so good—you always say it’s better to give than to receive.
    8. You could have a great time. Okay, it’s not likely, but the point is, it COULD happen.
    9. See below.
    ***Hank’s Note: Sorry, all I could come up with were eight reasons. So get a pencil, go up to the top of this chapter, cross out the word ten , and write the word eight . Unless this is a library book. You never write in a library book. I made that mistake once and had to spend my next three weeks’ allowance replacing the book.

CHAPTER 10
    I HAD MY LIST, and I had my job cut out for me.
    I told Ashley and Frankie to wait in my bedroom, and I marched myself into the living room. I stood in front of my dad and looked him right in the face. I told him about the concert and how I won the trip to Philadelphia for Mom and