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upon his actions and deeds.
    When I first met Susan I was struck by her robotic movements and her unexpressive face. As she spoke matter-of-factly about why she had sought therapy, I also noted that her voice seemed to lack any emotion. Even before I learned more about her childhood, I could already tell that she had been severely traumatized in some way and that, in response to the trauma, she had shut down emotionally.
    Although Susan had blocked out a great deal of her childhood, eventually we unearthed the truth. Susan had been severely neglected when she was a child. From an older sister she learned that as a tod- dler she had been left alone in her crib for hours at a time. Her dia- pers were seldom changed and many times she went to sleep hungry. When Susan got older her parents would often go out drinking at night and leave her all alone, and she remembered that many times there was no food in the house. Her mother was far more concerned about pleasing her father than she was about taking care of her chil- dren, and Susan rarely remembered her mother hugging or kissing her. Her father was sometimes affectionate toward Susan, but usually only after he’d had a few drinks. Then he’d put her on his lap and tickle her until she cried.
    As an adult, Susan was unable to experience real love. She had a few friends and some lovers, but she could not sustain an ongoing
    relationship. She found it impossible to trust people and couldn’t believe anyone could really care about her. If someone was nice to her, she assumed the person must want something from her. She always managed to find a way to push people away—either by being overly critical of them or by being too aloof. In general, Susan felt alone in the world and was afraid she’d always be alone. She knew there was something missing inside her and that she desperately needed help.
    By neglecting her daughter in such a severe way, Susan’s mother had sent her the message that she was unlovable. As children tend to blame themselves for their parents’ neglect and mistreatment, it was the only conclusion Susan could come to.

    Your parents need not have ignored your physical needs in order for you to have felt neglected. This is how Megan described her neglect- ful mother: “My mother hardly ever touched me as I was growing up. She didn’t hug me or hold me. And she didn’t praise me or encourage me. In fact, she hardly took an interest in me. I was just a responsibil- ity to her—a burden really—someone she was supposed to take care of, someone she was supposed to love. But I don’t know if she knew how to love. She knew how to do motherly things, like cooking and making sure my clothes were clean, but she never cared about my feelings or my emotional needs.”

    Inadequate Parents
    Many parents neglect their children because they are simply inca- pable of being good parents. A person with low self-esteem will feel fearful and inadequate about being a parent and may be so afraid of making a mistake that she doesn’t do much parenting at all. Or she may be so afraid of losing her children’s love that she becomes too lenient. In other situations, the parent may be so overwhelmed with her own unmet needs or problems that she cannot focus on her chil- dren. Some may even look to their children for emotional support. The inadequate, immature parent often communicates to her children that she needs them to encourage and protect her, or to take care of her and boost her ego.
    This was the case with Jackie. By the time she was five years old, she had already taken on the role of parent to her mother. Jackie’s mother cried often—usually about Jackie’s father, who had divorced her when Jackie was three—or about her own mother and her own neglectful childhood. Jackie would wipe away her mother’s tears and tell her things would be okay.
    To make matters worse, whenever Jackie became upset with her mother (rightfully so, because her mother neglected her so