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me,” I was taught; one more lie among many. In truth words penetrate the unlidded ear and land in the spirit. Words carry hatred and passion and love and fear. Words have the power to shoot down or raise up. Sharp cutting words can whirl for years afterward like the rotating blades of a lawn mower.
    —L OUISE M. W ISECHILD , The Mother I Carry

    D URING MY MANY YEARS of practice and study I have observed seven common types of negative parental mirrors. These include:
The “I Am Unlovable” Mirror. When parents are neglectful or do not have time for their child, they send the message that the child is unwanted or unlovable.
The “I Am Worthless” Mirror. When children are physically or emotionally rejected or abandoned by their parents, the mes- sage they receive is that they are worthless.
The “I Am Nothing without My Parent” Mirror. When parents are overprotective or emotionally smothering, they send the message that their child is helpless without them.
The “I Am Powerless” Mirror. When parents are overly con- trolling or tyrannical, they cause their child to feel powerless.
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The “I Am Never Good Enough” Mirror. When parents are perfectionistic, they give their children the message that they only have value if they meet their parents’ expectations— which is rare or never.
The “I Am Bad” or “I Am Unacceptable” Mirror. When par- ents are verbally abusive, hypercritical, or excessively shaming, the message they send to their child is that he or she is a bad person or is unacceptable.
The “I Don’t Matter” Mirror. When parents are self-absorbed or narcissistic, the message they give their children is that their needs are not important and that they do not matter.

    In this chapter I will address in detail the seven types of emotion- ally abusive and neglectful parents. I will also describe the parental mirror each of these parents holds up and the emotional damage to a child’s self-image and self-esteem that is caused by each type of par- enting. As you read these descriptions, notice which ones you identify with the most. Note that your parent or parents may fit into more than one category, and that you may have suffered from more than one type of emotional abuse. For example, parents who are overly critical are also often perfectionistic. Also note that there are similarities between some of the different types of emotional abuse. For instance, being neglected and being abandoned can have a similar effect on a child.

    The Neglectful or Inadequate Parent
    Parental Mirror: “You Are Unlovable”

    Unlike other forms of childhood abuse, the damage caused by neg- lectful or inadequate parents has more to do with what they didn’t do than with what they did do to their children.
    An infant learns that she is wanted and loved by watching the smiling faces of her parents as they gaze adoringly into her eyes. A toddler learns that she is loved by the way her father loves to swoop
    her up in his arms and by the way her mother loves to hold her close. A preschooler learns that she is loved by seeing her mother smile as the child begins to explore the world. A grammar school child learns that she is loved when her parents scold her for doing something she shouldn’t, but minutes later forgive her as they engage her in another more appropriate activity. An older child is reminded that she is loved when her parents brag about her to her grandparents—even though she only got Cs on her report card.
    Children learn that they are loved by the way their parents look at them, by how much their parents want to hug them and hold them, and by how they discipline them. When a child is not looked at with loving eyes, he comes to believe he is not loved. When his parents don’t seem to want to hug him or hold him, he comes to believe he must not be lovable. And when his parents’ affection is taken away whenever he does something they disapprove of, he comes to believe that his lovability is contingent