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“No.”
    He took his eyes off the road momentarily. They were dark on me, unreadable.
    Turning away, I stared out at the trees. They flitted past in a blur. I could feel the waves of ambivalence crashing against me. There was nothing I wanted more, nothing I worked for harder in my life, than this partnership at Hindley & Jones. So why, if that was the case, did I experience a jagged anxiety every time I thought about it?
    I analyzed the feeling, trying to pin it down. It was just yearning, surely? Everything was so nearly in my grasp! This partnership would be the culmination of fifteen years of hard work and sacrifice. I didn’t even want to begin to think of the things I’d already given up to get this far. I’d fought bitterly to push aside the competition. I’d worked hard, sure – harder than the competition – but I’d also had to outmaneuver them, and sometimes that had meant doing things that went against my values and beliefs. I’d rationalized it all knowing that I was aiming for a greater good. It was inconceivable to imagine I’d worked this hard, and come so close, only to slip back down the ladder. To step back now… how could I justify the sacrifices I’d made if I didn’t get the partnership?
    The car stopped. Jolted out of my own headspace, I turned to him in surprise. We were parked in a wooded lane, just off the winding road. The silence was only punctuated by a smattering of birdsong and the rustling of dry leaves.
    Nathan blew the hair from his forehead with a sharp breath. “We need to talk,” he said. He turned his stern profile away from me. He seemed to be searching for words in the densely packed trees.
    I waited, scarcely able to breathe. I had no idea what was coming, but the sense of forbidding was incapacitating. He was leaning one elbow against the window, his other arm draped across the wheel. His whole body was angled away from me. He looked as though he would bolt from the car if I as much as touched him. Tension snaked down my neck, forcing me to turn to the front and take a deep breath.
    Was he going to suggest an abortion ? Did he think that was what I wanted? He’d never given any indication of wanting a family, not once in all the years I’d known him, but it occurred to me I had no idea what his position was on that at this stage in his life. I glanced at him. What did he want?
    What did I want?
    My nerve endings clattered like tin cans against concrete. I needed to get my life back; Nathan needed to get his life back. We weren’t destined to be together, or we would have decided this a long time ago. I could be back in the office, back to my old life, within a couple of weeks. I could be partner within six months. It was all there for the taking, and all I needed to do it properly was Nathan’s unsolicited consent. Why was I so terrified, when it was all within my grasp?
    He turned back to me. The frown across his eyes could have cut steel. His gaze bore into me, pinioning me to the seat. Even though he was looking at me, his body remained stiff and angled defensively away. He was regarding me as though I was something dangerous, something that might suddenly attack him. Bewilderment filled me, and hot on its heels, a scalding flood of guilt. It was so strong, and so unexpected that I experienced a wave of tearful emotion.
    “I want to have this baby.”

Chapter Four
     
    The air in the car seemed to suck the words up like a vacuum. The inside of my head rang deafeningly loud. I wasn’t even sure who had said the words, so I said, “What?” into the ringing silence.
    “I want us to have this baby,” he repeated.
    The now clear words clanged inside my head like a gong. Their implication caused a crashing aftershock. Dumbfounded, I stared at him. All of the questions I couldn’t quite form creased my expression. A flicker of panic vibrated low in my stomach.
    “We can do this,” he said. His tone and expression gave all the signs of composure, even if his