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right?” he asked. Stopping by my side, he brushed a hand through my hair, clasping my neck and then pulling me into a hug. “I’m trying to be responsible.”
    I smiled despite myself at his reluctant admission. I was supposed to be the responsible one, not that I’d been doing a great job of that recently. Burrowing my face against the fragrant softness of his sweater, I let my arms encircle his waist, felt them slide down and cup his bottom. “I know – I’m sorry,” I said. I breathed in his scent deeply. I wanted to stay right here forever. My voice was muffled when I spoke again. “You should know, before we go any further that I’m a hormonal mess.”
    He chuckled. “But you smell good.”
    “I need a shower.”
    He smacked my bottom suddenly. Pulling back, he took me by the hand and pulled me towards the bathroom. “Okay – shower,” he ordered. “Get ready and let’s get out here before I lose this very vague sense of control.”
    Half an hour later, hair- washed and body scrubbed clean under jeans and a padded jacket, I sat quietly in the car beside Nathan as he pulled out of the driveway. Quiet because I was stunned into silence by the beauty of the surroundings. I was content to sit back and just enjoy it, something I rarely did in life. All day I was on the go, out there in the world scrabbling around for what I needed as though a clock were ticking somewhere. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt this sense of timelessness. My eyes narrowed against the mistruth; actually, I could remember. It had been the last time Nathan and I were together.
    I glanced at him. He was relaxed and yet distracted at the wheel. I marveled for a moment at how well he lived in the present; he always had. The rigid construction of my world just slipped away when I was with him. It had happened the first time I’d met him, straight out of my second year of college. He’d been on the campus managing a gig with the band as it had been then, and when I’d been introduced to him after the show, suddenly I’d forgotten about exams and expectations and competitions; I’d simply let go. I’d gone on tour with him and his band throughout the rest of the eastern seaboard, taking each day as it came. It wasn’t that he became my focus, but rather his outlook on life had become mine. I’d started living outside of my head for the first time, and it had been a miraculous discovery of the world around me. He’d opened up my life and made me appreciate what was there right in front of me, instead of always focusing on what I wanted. That was Nathan; it was the secret to his staggering success, a secret that very few people understood.
    “What?” he asked, interrupting my weighty memories. He turned and his eyes were warm. His hair gleamed in the sun; he hadn’t shaved again that morning and his jaw was dark. “Are you looking at me or the view?”
    I shrugged, deciding it was safer not to answer.
    He inhaled and exhaled slowly. Eyes back on the road, he tapped the steering wheel distractedly with a tapered finger. “How are things at work?” he asked. He glanced at me again, more serious now. “Have you found out about this partner thing yet?”
    “Not yet. Soon.” I swallowed and turned away. The familiar sense of anxiety returned, more painful than ever. I fought against it, trying to compartmentalize my thoughts. “I was thinking about selling my apartment, buying something on the Upper East, closer to the office.”
    He considered this for a moment. “Not the cheapest part of town. Didn’t you just buy the one you’re in?”
    “I’ll be able to afford something better once they make me partner.” The anxiety fluttered stubbornly against my throat. “There’s only me and one other associate partner left in the running. He’s less experienced; I’m pretty sure I’ve got it in the bag.”
    “Not a great time to be having a baby, then,” he said.
    I glanced at him. My throat was tight.