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valid because your daughter is four, and her art skills are age-appropriate, i.e. it looks like she drew it holding on to the crayon with her toes. You are missing the opportunity to value your daughter’s effort and instead have mistakenly focused on the need to compare herself to others and be “the best.”
“You are the best basketball player I’ve ever seen, and
I watch NBA!”
    This praise is not based in reality if your twelve-year-old son is not actually a child prodigy.
“Your science project should have won. It destroys the other projects!”
    This kind of praise is delivered quite independent of the merit of the project, and is focused on a “my child should win because he/she is my child” philosophy.
    These types of praise teach our children that they are superior to others, and that they should be superior to others. It also teaches them:
That they need to be the best to get our love and attention.
    Nothing he/she does will ever be good enough for us but perfection and first place.
That life will always be to their advantage,
no matter what.
    It does not matter whether they put in effort or not. Your child should win just because. This does not help our children focus on the positives of their effort or the fact that they are worthy of love and respect whether they win or not.
It negatively impacts their trust in you.
    Real life is not stacked in their favor. Eventually our children will realize this, and they will be confused and blame us for teaching them otherwise.
    There are definite dos and don’ts with regard to recognizing and encouraging our children. Praise does not exist as an emotional crutch; it is a legitimate way to express congratulations when they are due. But praise is always earned, and children that have become entitled do not tend to respond well to the concept of having to earn anything.
    The best kind of praise involves recognition of the actions and intentions of your children that reflect the values, actions, and words that your family believes in (reflect back to your answers on the Parenting Values Checklist in Chapter 1) . Real praise should involve specifics and a true celebration of the child’s achievement or effort.
Good Praise: Nice helping with your brother, buddy!
Better Praise: When I see you helping your little brother tie his shoes, I feel proud watching your kindness and leadership within the family. Awesome!
    The Modeling Trap: The Grass Is Greener
    One of the reasons a child develops entitled behavior is because they have modeled elements of their behavior on their parents’ behavior and values. We have volumes of research on a child’s tendency to learn by imitating their parents 19 . Interestingly, some demonstrated that children will follow unnecessary steps in a process (like stirring their juice with a spoon because they have seen their Dad stirring cream into his coffee) just to mimic their parents.
    This is modeling at its best. As our children grow up and become pre-teens and teens, they will begin to model others’ behavior inaddition to the family’s behavior. Friends, teachers, and other adults suddenly become influences. The child who has become entitled takes this a step further. They also want what these others have. If a child has internalized the belief that material possessions are necessary for comfort, that they indicate superior self-worth, or that they are owed things, they learn to envy and covet the possessions of others.
    A child that has become entitled generally feels that they are not functioning at their best if they do not have everything—and more —than those they admire. It is the way they were raised, especially if parents wittingly or unwittingly spoke in front of them about:
What kind of a car, home, vacations, etc., they wish
they had.
What kinds of consumer brands they buy or
wish to buy.
How much money they wish they had, etc.
    The entitlement bug will leave anyone feeling unsatisfied with what one has (no matter what it