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there’s an instrumental verse that functions as an outro. When the song finished playing that night at skits, the heartthrob got back up and told of the time he saw Bazan play the song live. Bazan allegedly played it just as he had on the album until the third (no longer instrumental) verse, in which he sang, “In a moment, I’m alive again.” So after the show, heartthrob asked Bazan why he didn’t sing the line on the album version. Bazan said, “Because that’s the verse where I reconcile with God. But you have to figure that part out for yourself.” And I thought, This guy talked to a musician after a concert? Badass. And then Brent bought all the albums and then I bought all the albums. And on YouTube there’s a more recent video of Bazan playing the song live and he just ends it at the bridge.

QUESTION
    When a devout man swears with the explicit intent of remaining relevant to the culture at large, isn’t he just not-swearing in disguise?

WARM FUZZY
    Boy w/ Frosty Tips in Line at Dinner – w4m – 13: You, a lake pirate from the wrong side of the tracks. Me, an unconventionally pretty self-starter often beside a huskier “wingwoman” type. You asked if I knew whether we could start with two cornbreads. I didn’t know and said so. You said not to worry about it, practically feeling me up with eye contact. You had a sweatshirt tucked into a pair of black shorts so baggy they could fit two people—an invitation? Later I found out we have to start with one cornbread and wait for everybody to go through the line before going back for more. Write me back what color hoodie I was wearing. Or if you already know who this is, come find me at quiet time tomorrow. Bring chapstick.

ALL THESE HURTS
    Dried burnt macaroni cheese on a pot that big means it’s time to break out the steel wool, Puddy. Keep swishing it like that in circles. Now pour that orangey water out and see how you’re doing. Long way to go. I worry over sanitation exactly as much as I worry over the Large Hedron Collider whose future self stopped it from making a Big Bang, and over a God who kicked idolatry down the list of don’ts to make room for Higgs’ particles, and over the seasonal question, “Is my love life just an experiment testing the potential correlation between hairnets and invisibility? On how low a girl’s got to wear her top to get a little attention in this getup?” All these hurts on all these timelines add up to a Twilight Zone where everybody knows the forthcoming twist and discusses it openly but will gasp with true feeling when it comes. I believe this, and when I really think about it, I cover my neck with my hands. But then the other ninety percent of the time, I revert to the adage that goes, “Has anyone known true loss but those who’ve opened an avocado to find it’s a couple days past ripe?” I wish I was rich enough to look on the back of meats for traces of chronic discomfort. I wish I’d live long enough to see how far past our own globe we can get. I wish I got to laugh at the sun with mean, real confidence for not noticing how long we’ve been growing apart, for not having enough mass to explode as a supernova. How much? How much do I worry about what ? Oh. Infrequently but desperately. What if a kid got struck down from mystery microbes in our chili-mac, Puddy? You’d kill yourself. We all would.

MORALS OF THIS EVENING’S SKITS, AS FAR AS DAVE CAN MAKE OUT, FROM LEAST TROUBLING TO MOST
    All school shootings would have been prevented had the shooters gone to Fun Camp.
    Refusing to participate in pranks means you’re majorly asking to get pranked.
    A beer sip and you’re blitzed.
    Everyone deserves everything that happens.
    Chef Grogg is incomprehensible and a little creepy yet may possess a heart of gold.
    Grogg’s chicken potpies cause widespread diarrhea.
    Girls Cabin 2 will make out with anybody.
    That submarine skit can sustain 20 years of viewing.
    A compilation of Tad Gunnick quotes read